i was too tired to post this yesterday!

i got temporary guardianship of my sister after sitting in court for almost 4 hours!

i worked after that and was so dead tired but really kinda wanted to go to the dance!

i went to the dance with
-Laura [my heart friend]
-Lianna [my amazingly good looking + good looking hair friend]
-Emily [just met but she is super fun!]
-Candice [super cool and tons of fun to dance it up with!]
AND
-Mimi [also just met but this chick is crazy cool!]

so basically we were all pretty hot.

haha

humbleness? no way!
haha we had a great time and tons of fun dancing it up with each other! i think all of us danced with some boy during the night, except LoLo because i told david i would keep all the boys away from her... i did a pretty good job i htink!!! it was hard but i did it!! haha

oh and i got stopped by the PoPo.. heres the story..

i was going to lauras house and i went by the way of the stake center [its just easier] but i noticed that there was a DUI check point and i had just switched into my moms car [it gets better gas] and left my purse in the trunk. so i didnt want to ge tthere and not have it then have to open the trunk to get it out there and stop all traffic, so i pulled into the stake center parking lot and got out my wallet. as i was turning to go to the check point with my ID now in hand, a motercycle PoPo pulled me over.. like 100 ft away from the checkpoint... i was like..."huh???"
then he asked why i ha pulled in to the parking lot and if i was trying to avoid the checkpoint becasue i had been drinking... i told him polietly that i was only trying to make it easier for th eofficers by getting my wallet out of my trunk so i didnt hold up the line by being an idiot and forgetting my id in the trunk. he asked if i had been drinking and i told him no, that i actually went "to that church right there" and that i knew i would be safe as i tried to get my belongings from my car... he told me to be safe and said bye.
THEN i got to the checkpoint and immediatly the officer shined the light in my eyes and asked if i had been drinking... [it was only like 9 anyway! who drinks before 9??]i said no and handed him my license stating that i wasnt old enough yet....[probably should have clarified that...] the other officer laughed and said "yet??" i told them that i turned 21 on sunday, but that it didnt give me free reign to drink anyweay... i said "im mormon... i dont drink anyway so i guess it really doesnt matter that i turn 21 huh?"... they both laughed and the officer closest to me said ok well drive safe and dont drink...

eh... didnt i just say i dontdrink???

anyways, then the night went good fro mthere! the dance was fun! but way too hot!! not in like oo la la kinda hot... like hot as in GET ME SOME AIR or ICECUBES kinda hot! it was like kinda raunchy in there... i didnt care for some of the people there but i managed to stay away from themso that was good becasue the girls i went with were amazing and soo much fun!!!

plus, some of the Samoan boys are pretty dang cute! =]

and they are nice too.. .they cut me off getting out of the parking lot, but then backed up and let me go in front of them! we htought it was pretty cute and nice of them to do that =]

there is always the next dance too! HOLLA!!!

♥

in the morning

i have a court hearing to get Temporary Legal Guardianship of my 17 year old sister...

im kinda nervous...

its a big deal...

how many other 20 [days shy away from being 21] year olds can say that they have taken all the responsibility and work that i have taken upon myself? its going to be hard, i just hope i can handle it.

=\

photo album...

i got my first present for my 21st birthday that is coming up here in a few days...
my grandmother [my birth mothers mother] sent me a photo album that she has been working on for about a year. she said it was the only thing she thought she could give me of meaning for my birthday. i am sooo super excited! it has info on soooo many people and pictures of all of her family...

im working on one to send to her with pictures from my brother,sister and i`s childhood till now...

she has never seen my little sister except for in baby pictures...she told me some funny things i used to say and do when i was about 2 and a halfish... i laughed so hard cuz it seems like something i would do or say... =]

my sister, and mom

since im getting guardianship of my sister i thought you should see what im getting... lol.. i love my sister and am glad she has agreed to live with us and our rules! she is an amaazingly smart girl and knows so much for her young years. she has had to deal with things that most 17 years olds havent had to deal with. we both have. anyway i love her and my mom more than anything in the world! =]

busy busy busy

so everyone wants to knwo why im so dang busy....

well... here is the list.. in no particular order....

1. i work alot mostly eary EARLY mornings or late at night
2. im busy trying to get everything in order for school to start.
3.my little sister moved in with us becasue her father is a jerk and left with out telling her. [he is my father too but i dont refer to him like that.]
4. FHE planning takes up alot of time... especially when i want to actually plan out fun things instead of saying... UMMM lets play a game that we have already dont a thousand times... or lets play volleyball... i want FHE to be fun so it requires time...


those are the start on why im so busy... and dont have time to hang out with you guys all the time anymore... im busy trying to be so much older than i am that i dont have time to do the fun things anymore..........


maybe next summer.....

too much to handle....

no its beyond taht now...

i now know why i was feeling so empty/snappy/mean/sarcastic/voided the other day. when i think about the man that helped create me [i do not call him my father/dad/daddy/padre/papa/papi or anything closely associated with that becasue in my eyes he is dead.] i get these anxious feelings. i am not paranoid but when you think like someone who can only be thought of as EVIL, or dreadful then you start to think of all the things that can happen. I have told my mom that i can think like him becasue i am his flesh and blood. he is a part of me. a part that i wish with all my heart i could drain or cut away from my body. when i told my mom all the things that he was capable of doing, she wasnt shocked but became scared. she knew he was capable of somethings but when i started to say the things that i thought he would do becasue he had talked about them she kinda got scared. she didnt question me though. she just asked how we could prevent it. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON for thinking like that. i know alot more than people sometimes give me credit for. i am observant and thoughtful, sometimes too thoughtful. if there is a way to protect my family i will do it. i never doubted that he would abandon my family, we have all left him but my little sister. well he abandoned her. gave her up. walked away... i dont care what you call it. he cant handle pressure and right now he is feeling the hot poke of the devils pitchfork becasue of his choices. he cant face the consequenses of his mistakes so he did what a coward does. HE RAN. Think what you will of me but i wish he would just step off a cliff. it would save us all the heartache and trouble we have had to put up with since he got custody of my brother and sister and i when we were little. my sister is more loyal to him becasue she has been with our family since she was 18 months old. i remember living with my real mom [that was no better than living with him], and he has had his on again off again love affair with other women , drugs, and alcohol. what an example. i wish to never be like ihm EVER in my life. i wont allow myself to be becasue i am a good person who deserves more than that. he is one chapter in my life book that i wish i could erase. i know when i say thati wish he were never born people always say to me " well you wouldnt have been born then either". true true, but i just cant really believe that i CHOSE this family. i CHOSE him. What the heck was i thinking? no i decided that this isnt too much to handle. there is a reason all this is going on, and the Lord would not give me something i couldnt handle right? right.

Void...

i feel empty.

i feel sad.

i feel like crying.

i feel like screaming.

why do i feel that way?

all day i have had the feeling that something was wrong. i was snapping at my mom, [which is something i never do... how can you snap at someone who has done everything in their power to help you and keep you safe from harm? besides she is my only best friend i have right now] and just felt sick to my stomache.

then i got a call. from someone i wish was no longer on this earth. yes i do feel that way about one person and ONE person alone. it made me feel better to finally understand why i had been feeling this way ALL day.


ever feel like you only constantly hurt people? i do. it seems the harder i try not to hurt people or hurt their feelings, the worse i do. i am the tpe of person that is always thinking things out in advance and i always think way far ahead in the future. USUALLY. sometimes i dont and then i realize OH CRAP this isnt going to be good. then i have to go through the broken stage becasue i failed to protect someone elses feelings. you have no idea what that does to me. it seems like i am forever saying "im sorry" to others. it gets to be hard sometimes but i am the one who will keep saying im sorry. its just how i am.

judgement day....

its not my place to judge people. i try my hardest not to judge. i have opinions of people but every person has a different life and different trials. I heard quote from a friend once when i was complaning about people judging me and not know who i am in the littlest bit and she gave me this quote, ok so it might have been a piece of flair or a bumpersticker that she was talking about but never the less....

"you couldnt walk a mile in my shoes... you would trip on the first step"

i try to live by those words. i do not ever wish to walkin someones elses shoes becasue then i would have to deal with all the things they go through. maybe people should understand one another before they jump to conclusions about what other people mean.

boys... guys... men... ehh...

my mother has taught me how to read into things and read out of them as well... she and i are very close and we talk about everything usually. she is supportive in what i choose to do and who i choose to associate with. although she has that motherly "when are you gonna get married and give me grandbabies" tone every once in a while i know she is eager to see me start school again and then find someone. which i am content with. i am also content with being single and wish people would stop trying to change that.its so frustrating being introduced to someone [usually older people in my moms ward or people i have known since i was a little kid] who have a son or sons, somewhere around my age or a little older and instantly its readable on their face... "OH your about 21?? hmmm i wish my son would marry you and give us grandkids, or more grandkids". i have had multiple people ask me why i havent gotten married yet and had any kids, becasue i am beautiful. my answer, "when i find out why, ill let you know..." its sad becasue they always seem to think that they know someone who i would be just perfect with or how cute i would look with someone that they have known or a grandchild of theirs who is "just about your age sweetie"... TRUST ME, its not that i dont want to get married or have children. infact that is my biggest goal in life, but i have been hurt before by false promises and am not so eager to go down that path again. i havent gotten back to seeking out someone yet as an eternal companion because, well its not time again yet. i have no problem hanging out with guys and going on an occasional date here and there but i am a simple girl who likes simple things. i want to have someone who is not into complicating things or messing with my head. too much to ask? i dont think so. i need someone who is like me. yes iknow people sometimes say that opposites attract. well sorry but not for me they dont. i used to be LOUD and crazy and out going and social and all of those things. not anymore. i am more laid back and content with me. i need someone who does not have to be the center of attention, someone who doesnt have to be loud and crazy all the time, someone who most surly shows compassion on others and takes into consideration all those around him. dotn get me wrong, i do not want a WALL FLOWER with the personality of a ROCK. i just know what i want. i do have a list and i check things off each time i meet someone. i add different attributes to the list everyso often , like once in a great great great while, but not all the time. i just need to find someone with 99.9% of the things on the list. somethings i am willing to overlook becasue sometimes life happens but i do know there are things i will not settle for or stoop down to comply with.

Where i wish i was, at this very moment =]

Shoot....

Me now. please.

im just a tad bit frustrated with everything that is happening to me.

While on spring break vacation [work for me, break for the kids i nannied for] we went to this hotel [ Great Wolf Lodge] and in side there was a water park. in this water park was a BUCKET at the very center of the building on the tip top of the tree house that the kids could play in side with all kinds of amazing water guns and little buckets you oculd fill and dump on people... anyways, this HUGE bucket would fill up [took about 5- 7 mins] and then dump on everyone who was in a certain area. it was expected and kind of sad to watch becasue the bucket would just get so full and then start to tip and WHOOSH everything that was in it came crashing down.

point of that whole story? its like my life. everything in my bucket seems fine and going well, then after a certain amount of time, its like clockwork almost with me, my whole bucket just gets so full and everything in side comes crashing down and i have to start all over again. its really a pain in the patootie...

moments....

i dont know how i feel.
im kinda numb.
is that bad?

complicated....

why does something that seemed so simple and easy to take care of, suddenly end up complicated. peoples feelings come into play, green eyed monsters come out and everything suddenly seems turned upside down. there is no going back. its a dog eat dog world and it seems to me that it is overlyexcessive cut throat when it comes to feelings about friends... it is so hard to conceal my feelings for people or throw people on the wrong trail by talking about other things or interests that im actually not interested in. deceptive? maybe, but when you get tired of people in your business or "match-making" you come up with ways to get people out of your comings and goings. i cant believe how things get out of hand so quickly. i thought moving back would be easy. boy i think i was kind of wrong. people tried to warn me but did i listen? no. no i thought i could come home and everything would be the same as it was before i moved away. so much can change and has changed in the past 10 months. moving away made me grow up, and i thought i was slightly ahead of the games and people combat that used to go on between girls and boys, i think i was wrong... entirly wrong and now i am paying the price because i have kept things from some friends and it seems like everyone has their own opinion of me and most of them are wrong. i am told thati am an open book... sometimes with audio that cant be turned off or down. i do not hesitate to tell people alot about me but there is always more that needs to be dug out. i do not display ALL of me. i only display what ithink that people need to know on that basis. people think that they know the real me and yet they find that they dont. and then they wonder why they realize that they dont know me at all... its like a huge shock and an awakening to them that they dont know what they think they know. truth is i dont know everything about people because of this thing called a front and everyone has one. i dont believe anyone who says that they put everything out for everyone to know about them. its hard to be here right now. im not sure how to feel. i always end up hurting someone. its either someone i care about or someone i care about. basically its a no win situation. but its my burden to bear and i bear it gladly, for i would rather be alone than hurt anyone. i just feel bad because i know that most of this is caused by my thinking to much about one thing. its called over thought and i do way to much of it. i hurt people that way. im tired of hurting people and i feel like i shouldnt do it anymore. no matter how strongly i feel or dont feel about a suject, or person or matter. it all comes down to me not saying whats on my mind and i feel like i cant be trusted in my own head. i need to stop. its hard.

love to be found??

this is my favorite Sonnet from William Shakespeare. this is what i am hoping to find in someone. If you understand what this means, then this is what i am in search of.



"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

Hero

I just finished Season 2 of Heroes, and come to a conclusion.

I do not ever want to have super powers. They are too complicated.

I am happy to just be me and super power free.

and the only hero i want to be is best described in a song. this is the only kind of hero i ever want to be....


Artist : Jamie O'Neal
Song : Somebody's Hero

Lyrics :

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero