too much to handle....

no its beyond taht now...

i now know why i was feeling so empty/snappy/mean/sarcastic/voided the other day. when i think about the man that helped create me [i do not call him my father/dad/daddy/padre/papa/papi or anything closely associated with that becasue in my eyes he is dead.] i get these anxious feelings. i am not paranoid but when you think like someone who can only be thought of as EVIL, or dreadful then you start to think of all the things that can happen. I have told my mom that i can think like him becasue i am his flesh and blood. he is a part of me. a part that i wish with all my heart i could drain or cut away from my body. when i told my mom all the things that he was capable of doing, she wasnt shocked but became scared. she knew he was capable of somethings but when i started to say the things that i thought he would do becasue he had talked about them she kinda got scared. she didnt question me though. she just asked how we could prevent it. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON for thinking like that. i know alot more than people sometimes give me credit for. i am observant and thoughtful, sometimes too thoughtful. if there is a way to protect my family i will do it. i never doubted that he would abandon my family, we have all left him but my little sister. well he abandoned her. gave her up. walked away... i dont care what you call it. he cant handle pressure and right now he is feeling the hot poke of the devils pitchfork becasue of his choices. he cant face the consequenses of his mistakes so he did what a coward does. HE RAN. Think what you will of me but i wish he would just step off a cliff. it would save us all the heartache and trouble we have had to put up with since he got custody of my brother and sister and i when we were little. my sister is more loyal to him becasue she has been with our family since she was 18 months old. i remember living with my real mom [that was no better than living with him], and he has had his on again off again love affair with other women , drugs, and alcohol. what an example. i wish to never be like ihm EVER in my life. i wont allow myself to be becasue i am a good person who deserves more than that. he is one chapter in my life book that i wish i could erase. i know when i say thati wish he were never born people always say to me " well you wouldnt have been born then either". true true, but i just cant really believe that i CHOSE this family. i CHOSE him. What the heck was i thinking? no i decided that this isnt too much to handle. there is a reason all this is going on, and the Lord would not give me something i couldnt handle right? right.