complicated....

why does something that seemed so simple and easy to take care of, suddenly end up complicated. peoples feelings come into play, green eyed monsters come out and everything suddenly seems turned upside down. there is no going back. its a dog eat dog world and it seems to me that it is overlyexcessive cut throat when it comes to feelings about friends... it is so hard to conceal my feelings for people or throw people on the wrong trail by talking about other things or interests that im actually not interested in. deceptive? maybe, but when you get tired of people in your business or "match-making" you come up with ways to get people out of your comings and goings. i cant believe how things get out of hand so quickly. i thought moving back would be easy. boy i think i was kind of wrong. people tried to warn me but did i listen? no. no i thought i could come home and everything would be the same as it was before i moved away. so much can change and has changed in the past 10 months. moving away made me grow up, and i thought i was slightly ahead of the games and people combat that used to go on between girls and boys, i think i was wrong... entirly wrong and now i am paying the price because i have kept things from some friends and it seems like everyone has their own opinion of me and most of them are wrong. i am told thati am an open book... sometimes with audio that cant be turned off or down. i do not hesitate to tell people alot about me but there is always more that needs to be dug out. i do not display ALL of me. i only display what ithink that people need to know on that basis. people think that they know the real me and yet they find that they dont. and then they wonder why they realize that they dont know me at all... its like a huge shock and an awakening to them that they dont know what they think they know. truth is i dont know everything about people because of this thing called a front and everyone has one. i dont believe anyone who says that they put everything out for everyone to know about them. its hard to be here right now. im not sure how to feel. i always end up hurting someone. its either someone i care about or someone i care about. basically its a no win situation. but its my burden to bear and i bear it gladly, for i would rather be alone than hurt anyone. i just feel bad because i know that most of this is caused by my thinking to much about one thing. its called over thought and i do way to much of it. i hurt people that way. im tired of hurting people and i feel like i shouldnt do it anymore. no matter how strongly i feel or dont feel about a suject, or person or matter. it all comes down to me not saying whats on my mind and i feel like i cant be trusted in my own head. i need to stop. its hard.