concrete angel

......"Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel"

who wants to be fake, raise your hands....

i have always lived by the rule that even if you dont like someone you still should respect them.should we be that way with FAKE people as well? why is it so hard to respect people even when it seems people are intent on going through my personal life and tearing it to shreds and feeding it to the dogs? maybe im just paranoid but it seems like someone is always trying to "ONE UP ME"... i used to let it roll off my back and not think to much about it but now as time goes on it sems like nothing has changed in all these years. how long do you have to go about being nice to someone you know is a total fake? fake with friendships and relationships and just has a fake personality? do we in turn become as fake as they are? what do you do when you try to avoid someone and they just dont get it. or are we not honest enough?

people, compared to a tree....

please go watch this, its is Tyler Perry`s madea character. i keep this information with me when i get low or dont realize when i am being used. its great to reflect upon!

=]


http://youtube.com/watch?v=oqDU6CPwy6Q

cant we be just friends?

why dont people get it?

do i need to wear a sign that says "i am not interested in you in that way, nor will i ever be"...?

i am trying hard to like someone just as a friend but even that is hard becasue they just dont get it... or it seems like they dont to me...

CRAP!

humpty dumpty...

He sat on the wall, then he fell off the wall... then all the kings horses and all the kings men..couldnt put him back together again... although i am sure with enough super glue and ducttape they could have mended him up quite nicely...



my question....



WhY tHe Eff WaS hE SiTTiNg ThE WaLL In tHe FiRsT PLaCE??



why do any of us do anything anymore?



i think about that often. why do we do certain things? things that have ba outcomes? or hard to deal with outcomes? ones that hurt us physically, or emotionally, or even spiritually? some would argue that we do it for experience. Screw that, i know that every time i have been caught in a situation that i could have avoided [like sitting on the wall] i didnt sit there before hand and say, i think ill do this for the experience of it all.



life is full of times where we sit on the wall. sometimes we are silly enough to rock and roll a little bit in the fun times, but then we dont realize that our balance is not to good and there we go toppling to the ground to be smashed in a thousand pieces waiting for the right people to come by who know where the super glue and tape is so that we can be put back together again...

are you thinking in your head... "where are those good people?"

Take a look around. they are your parents,siblings, and friends... yes even the ones you dont think are really good friends and are more a social hello than a friend. true some of our parents really did an awful job and they ended up royally sucking as parents. yes some of our siblings have gone off the deep end. even yes some of our friends have turned and looked us in the eye and smiled while stabbing us in the back [not litterally, if they really have done that then i dont know who you are hanging out with] But the fact of the matter is we all have at least 1... AT LEAST, ONE, person who is close to us that can help put our little egg shells back together.



but we need to let them....

pushed over the edge...

Ever wish someone would fall off the earth never to return???

yeah me too....

I had the most wonderful day... relaxing and fun.
my mom had a friend of hers come into town before he leaves to go to Europe. He is a wonderful and fun and comfortable man. If it wasnt for the fact that my mom has a 25 year friendship with him and is only wanting someone who is of the LDS religion [kinda like sticking with whats familiar] i would totally say that she should go ou twith him. he made an amazing first impression and i think i want him to stick around more, it was fun...
THEN....

as it always happens when youre having the best day EVER!!, something always ALWAYS always goes wrong...
well the something that went wrong today was my sperm donor [aka, jose, my father] called and said he cant take care of my dog and my sisters cat anymore and would my mom please take them. i called him back and he said that he would rather not talk to me and if i would refrain from talking to him. so i handed the phone to my mother who later told me he said he didnt wish to speak with anyone who doesnt exsist to him anymore...
NEWSFLASH, if you do drugs on and off again, drink alcohol like there is no tomorrow, lie and use people [including your own daughter] then i am not going to want to exsist to you... dumbace... This is a man who told me he would love me no matter what. then turned around and said when i get married he would come visit me after becasue he would not be present at my wedding[not that he would ever be considered to be worthy to go to the temple for that anyway] or at my reception becasue there would be Hart`s present. [my moms maiden name is hart and he is tlaking about her side of the family... they are divorced and i understand not wanting to see her but your oldest daughter getting married is a BIG deal... especially since i am pretty sure that when i get married it will be the FIRST wedding for our "family"]
He is so unpredictable and so good at ruining everything... are children supposed to feel this way towards their parents? BOTH of mine died to me... my birth mother when i was about 4, and my Father just died to me about a month ago, along with my sister and my brother... the only one i have left is my "mom" and i really am going to have her adopt me because as much as i like her just being here with me, i would rather have it all be legal and have her as my legal and all rights and privilages included "MOTHER" then there would be no comfusion about anything.
so now i have a dog again [my chihuahua named Tuki] and a cat[named TONTO.... dont ask me why... it just popped in my head] and a mom and i am pleased to keep it that way................ for now.

once upon a dream...

I have always been a fan of Disney princess characters and the wonderful fairy tale life that they lead. Every time a new princess movie comes out, i think in my head... Crap, now that cant happen to me becasue it has fictionally happened to that actress... Sometimes i wonder about what my princess movie would be like. Would i live in a tower locked away by some witch? would i live in a single parent home and aquire an evil step mother? Would some handsome stranger appear in my town and i would fall in love with him? there are so many other refferences to princess movies in my life that i think about...

It seems to me as i reflect on my past almost 21 years of life, that i have had all these experiences...

In a sense i was locked in a tower by a witch... My father never let me do anything. i was the precious baby girl who was not allowed to have friends unless they were approved by my father. i was not allowed to date certain boys becasue my father didnt think they were worthy of dating me. how many secret relationships i had that were ended becasue they had to be kept a secret. how many friends did i have to tell "im sorry we cant be friends anymore". I eventually did my rebel stage. i ran away once [for about 3 or 4 hours, i dont remember exactly], i started drinking.. [didnt last becasue since my father is and was an alcoholic, i didnt want to end up like him]... i hung out with the wrong people and didnt pay as much attention as i should have in church.

I did live in a single parent home. although there is a twist in that part of the story. My parents were never married and had 3 children. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic. My father married a woman named Tanya. I remember visiting with them occasionally becasue he had visitation rights i think then. My birthmother would say awful things about this woman, and told us that no matter what happened we were to hate her. My birthmother was awful to us children and finally my father and Tanya achieved full custody of all three children becasue my birth mother was crazy. My brother took what my birthmother had said about hating this Tanya, but i htought she was nice. After maybe 2 visitation day with us [which were controlled visitations] my birthmother up and left. I have not seen her since. that was 16 years ago. In the begining we called Tanya "stepmom, or step mother" and soon she asked us to call her mom. It took a while to get used to that. Fast forward 15 years... My father is a drunk who cant hardly keep work as a general contractor and has had a few affairs on my mom and my mom [tanya] is at her breaking point. My brother has moved out at 17 and came back to finish out his 5th year of high school at 18, then moved out again. after my dad hit me again one day, i had enough. He slammed me up against the wall but my bed and mirror are there also, so i was wedged in between the two. i had bruses on my back from the sharp corners on my bed and the frame of the mirror. I had it. No more.. so i reached behind me in the window seal and grabbed the box cutter i had placed there earlier while i was cleaning something off the window. I told him if he ever hit me again i would cut his throat while he slept. he would never wake up. of course that didnt make him to happy and he tryed as hard as he could to get it out of my hand. my brother was standing there telling me to put it down and then tryed to help get it out of my hand. i gripped it as hard as i could and i felt like a pit bull who has locked something and has tasted blood. there was no releasing that from my hand. then i heard my mom in the back ground telling my father to get off, and let me go. she was telling me to let go too. after that my dad never hit me again. This woman that he married put up with a lot of crap from him and decided that it was time to go. she held on as long as she could becasue we were her daughters and she didnt want to leave us there. She moved out and i thought my life would never be the same. once again i was with out a mother. or so i thought.

Enter the handsome one who i fell in love with. oh i shouldnt have fallen in love with that boy. he dazzled me becasue he was untouchable. you are not supposed to fall for missionaries. isnt that what they tell you? but to me it didnt apply. i behaved and never said anything. until the day came for him to transfer to another area with about 3 months left on his mission. i gave him my address and knew that he would write. it started out harmless until it got to hte very end of his mission. i had moved across the United states to Maryland/Dc and he was going home to Utah. i thought that nothing would happen. we were to far away from each other, but we talked all the time. i found out things about him that i didnt want to hear. I still felt liek i was in love with him and after much prayer i felt like he was the one. but how to clear the gap between us? i could quit my job and move to utah to find work... or i could move back home to california and get another job and we wouldnt be as far away. well none of that worked out and when i came home from christmas, i decided to go to utah but becasue of a snow storm , my parents decided for me that i wasnt going. they didnt want to geta phone call saying that their daughter hadgotten killed on her way to SLC. I knew this wasnt going to be good. andi was right. he found another girl the night i was supposed to go up there and soon they were engaged and my heart was broken. i tried the whole friends thing but that didnt work. My mother was behind me 100% in what ever choice i made about him. she was ok with me going to see him but when that storm hit she thought twice about it. when i told her he brokemy heart she sided with me and told me it would be ok. fast forward 6months.... i left my job in maryland becasue one of the kids hit me. it was a hard job, and with all that i did i wasnt payed enough, or appreciated enough. i came home and a few weeks after i was here i got a txt telling me that the one i had loved, called off his wedding... shock went through me. i had to ask why. he said it didnt feel right... DUH i could have told yo uthat 6 months ago.... but i was nice. things happen for a reason.

I no longer talk to my father becasue he does drugs and still is a heavy drinker. I do not tlak to my younger sister who is 17 becasue she thinks she knows it all and sided with my dad. I do not talk to my 23 year old brother becasue he chose to side with my dad. he knows i am right but still sided against me. i have more to offer my siblings than my father does. I can offer them a pure love. my father offers drugs and alcohol. I can offer them a chance to know their future family and be a part of a happy life with me and the gospel that i love and appreciate. My father offers the idea that in a matter of 2 years he will go back to mexico and leave them here to fend for themselves.

who offers more?

I love with my mother who i have found that i connect with mor ethan i ever have in my entire life. i appreciate all she does for me and im glad she isnt the evil step mother who doesnt care. she took upon her self the care for 3 small children and a husband while she was sick in bed. she has Cronic Fatique Syndrom amongst other things that ail her. she has fought hard and deserves the best. all i can say is that i a gratful to her for all she has done.

I know there will be more storys that will capture my interest but who really wants to lead a fairytale life?