take it as you will but DO NOT JUDGE ME...

you dont know what i have gone through. just as i do not know what you have gone through.

i had an appointment with a lady today to see about getting my sister medical insurance. they said she didnt qualify becasue i make too much money... i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. i make minimum wage, and only get between 15 and 25 hours of work each week... how in the heck do i mike too much money? i was super upset becasue when my "father" [the devil] called me and started some bull crap with me. what i find funny is that he disowned me [his awful BAD daughter] and said that he didnt want to have any contact with me because i had turned on my own flesh and blood.... WRONG! i didnt... i simply am looking out for me from now on... he turned on us years ago, before we were born perhaps. he has always dabbled in drugs and been an alcoholic [yes i still have considered him an alcoholic even though the longest he was "sober" was about 3 years. i dont care... your still an alcoholic] and no one knew that side of himself becasue like my mother he is a good lyer and does very well at putting up fronts so people do not know the truth behind the mask.he told me today that he was in san fransisco. i hope thats the last place he visits but then again i can only wish. for anyone who thinks , aw she should give him some slack, then you can take those thoughts right out of here. i have given him TOO MANY chances. there are no more left. i realized i do not know as much as i thought i did about my "father" how could i have come from the same genetic make up as he did? i feel ike i want to be cleansed of him and finally rid of him. well tough break kid. instead of being happy and having him out of my life forever i get to inherit my kid sister because no one else wanted her. heck i didnt even want her. but because i am the only sane and stable one in my family [my birth mom is a paranoid schizophrenic, my "fasther" is a lunatic schizophrenic on drugs and who drinks too much, and my brother drinks all hismoney away and spends it on frivilous things rather than getting a education and making something of his life] so that leaves me the daughter wh oabandoned her family to stay in the church, and go make money so she could go to school and eventually get married in the temple with out having her family pay for everything [not that that would happen anyway]. i became the out cast becasue i schose the right. yet people cannot cease to make rumors about me, cause drama around me and wonder why i do not want to take part. i am forced to be more grown up than they will have to be for about the next 10 years. i know more about the world than they do [that i am sure of] and yet they continue to act like children. i wish they could step into my life for a day and see if they could handle it? they would probably never have anything bad to say about me again. i mean when you get to sleep all day or your biggest worry of the day is what time your going to the mall to get that new shirt or book you wanted then step into my life please and take on the worrying about havingto make time for work and my school work and classes as well as making sure that my sister is at school and doing her work and passing all her classes so she can graduate. not to mention making sure i have everything i need for everytime i have to go to court and sit there for about 5 hours waiting to talk to a judge for about 10 minutes to see if i can keep my sister or not. i am 21 and feel like i have already lived a lifetime. so when you think ill thoughts about me becasue i cant go see a movie or cant go out with you at the drop of a hat think about the fact that some people dont have the luxury of doing those kinds of things when they have to worry about putting food in the fridge or gas in the cars that take them to work and school and drive others around so we can all make it, maybe youll tep back and think hmm maybe there is a reason she cant go out tonight or wants to stay in tonight becasue she is tired from no sleep and stressed out to the max with school and work and family. im not blowing you off or trying to make you feel like i dont want to be near you but i just dont have time enough in the day to do everything. i would hope that people know that my house is open so when i dont want to go out you can always come here if you really want to hang out with me. i have food and a tv with a dvd player and games... i dont try to avoid people. i do not wish to be judged. thats kinda all ...