here are some things i am done with....
* being nice ALL the time
*worrying about how others will take what i say...[you dont care about how your words affect me so why should i?]
*saying sorry all the time...
*being the first one to step up and ask if something is wrong...
*being the first one to back down from a disagreement, fight, arguement or what ever...
* sidestepping my self to please you
9.30.2008
9.24.2008
bruise
i was going back through my old email and found one that i had sent on the 25th of MAY to the mother of the children that i was nannying for. I had just quit becasue her son had hit me [well grabbed me and pushed me back] and i told her about bruises i sustained on my forearms. tomorrow is the 25th of SEPTEMBER and guess what....!!!???!!!
one of the bruises is still present on my arm. 4 months.... and she got mad at me for stepping in because none of us knew what was going through his mind and none of us knew whether or not he would hurt her daughter[ the reason i stepped in the middle]. i know he would have seriously hurt her!
just thought that was an interesting piece of information!
one of the bruises is still present on my arm. 4 months.... and she got mad at me for stepping in because none of us knew what was going through his mind and none of us knew whether or not he would hurt her daughter[ the reason i stepped in the middle]. i know he would have seriously hurt her!
just thought that was an interesting piece of information!
9.23.2008
take it as you will but DO NOT JUDGE ME...
you dont know what i have gone through. just as i do not know what you have gone through.
i had an appointment with a lady today to see about getting my sister medical insurance. they said she didnt qualify becasue i make too much money... i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. i make minimum wage, and only get between 15 and 25 hours of work each week... how in the heck do i mike too much money? i was super upset becasue when my "father" [the devil] called me and started some bull crap with me. what i find funny is that he disowned me [his awful BAD daughter] and said that he didnt want to have any contact with me because i had turned on my own flesh and blood.... WRONG! i didnt... i simply am looking out for me from now on... he turned on us years ago, before we were born perhaps. he has always dabbled in drugs and been an alcoholic [yes i still have considered him an alcoholic even though the longest he was "sober" was about 3 years. i dont care... your still an alcoholic] and no one knew that side of himself becasue like my mother he is a good lyer and does very well at putting up fronts so people do not know the truth behind the mask.he told me today that he was in san fransisco. i hope thats the last place he visits but then again i can only wish. for anyone who thinks , aw she should give him some slack, then you can take those thoughts right out of here. i have given him TOO MANY chances. there are no more left. i realized i do not know as much as i thought i did about my "father" how could i have come from the same genetic make up as he did? i feel ike i want to be cleansed of him and finally rid of him. well tough break kid. instead of being happy and having him out of my life forever i get to inherit my kid sister because no one else wanted her. heck i didnt even want her. but because i am the only sane and stable one in my family [my birth mom is a paranoid schizophrenic, my "fasther" is a lunatic schizophrenic on drugs and who drinks too much, and my brother drinks all hismoney away and spends it on frivilous things rather than getting a education and making something of his life] so that leaves me the daughter wh oabandoned her family to stay in the church, and go make money so she could go to school and eventually get married in the temple with out having her family pay for everything [not that that would happen anyway]. i became the out cast becasue i schose the right. yet people cannot cease to make rumors about me, cause drama around me and wonder why i do not want to take part. i am forced to be more grown up than they will have to be for about the next 10 years. i know more about the world than they do [that i am sure of] and yet they continue to act like children. i wish they could step into my life for a day and see if they could handle it? they would probably never have anything bad to say about me again. i mean when you get to sleep all day or your biggest worry of the day is what time your going to the mall to get that new shirt or book you wanted then step into my life please and take on the worrying about havingto make time for work and my school work and classes as well as making sure that my sister is at school and doing her work and passing all her classes so she can graduate. not to mention making sure i have everything i need for everytime i have to go to court and sit there for about 5 hours waiting to talk to a judge for about 10 minutes to see if i can keep my sister or not. i am 21 and feel like i have already lived a lifetime. so when you think ill thoughts about me becasue i cant go see a movie or cant go out with you at the drop of a hat think about the fact that some people dont have the luxury of doing those kinds of things when they have to worry about putting food in the fridge or gas in the cars that take them to work and school and drive others around so we can all make it, maybe youll tep back and think hmm maybe there is a reason she cant go out tonight or wants to stay in tonight becasue she is tired from no sleep and stressed out to the max with school and work and family. im not blowing you off or trying to make you feel like i dont want to be near you but i just dont have time enough in the day to do everything. i would hope that people know that my house is open so when i dont want to go out you can always come here if you really want to hang out with me. i have food and a tv with a dvd player and games... i dont try to avoid people. i do not wish to be judged. thats kinda all ...
i had an appointment with a lady today to see about getting my sister medical insurance. they said she didnt qualify becasue i make too much money... i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. i make minimum wage, and only get between 15 and 25 hours of work each week... how in the heck do i mike too much money? i was super upset becasue when my "father" [the devil] called me and started some bull crap with me. what i find funny is that he disowned me [his awful BAD daughter] and said that he didnt want to have any contact with me because i had turned on my own flesh and blood.... WRONG! i didnt... i simply am looking out for me from now on... he turned on us years ago, before we were born perhaps. he has always dabbled in drugs and been an alcoholic [yes i still have considered him an alcoholic even though the longest he was "sober" was about 3 years. i dont care... your still an alcoholic] and no one knew that side of himself becasue like my mother he is a good lyer and does very well at putting up fronts so people do not know the truth behind the mask.he told me today that he was in san fransisco. i hope thats the last place he visits but then again i can only wish. for anyone who thinks , aw she should give him some slack, then you can take those thoughts right out of here. i have given him TOO MANY chances. there are no more left. i realized i do not know as much as i thought i did about my "father" how could i have come from the same genetic make up as he did? i feel ike i want to be cleansed of him and finally rid of him. well tough break kid. instead of being happy and having him out of my life forever i get to inherit my kid sister because no one else wanted her. heck i didnt even want her. but because i am the only sane and stable one in my family [my birth mom is a paranoid schizophrenic, my "fasther" is a lunatic schizophrenic on drugs and who drinks too much, and my brother drinks all hismoney away and spends it on frivilous things rather than getting a education and making something of his life] so that leaves me the daughter wh oabandoned her family to stay in the church, and go make money so she could go to school and eventually get married in the temple with out having her family pay for everything [not that that would happen anyway]. i became the out cast becasue i schose the right. yet people cannot cease to make rumors about me, cause drama around me and wonder why i do not want to take part. i am forced to be more grown up than they will have to be for about the next 10 years. i know more about the world than they do [that i am sure of] and yet they continue to act like children. i wish they could step into my life for a day and see if they could handle it? they would probably never have anything bad to say about me again. i mean when you get to sleep all day or your biggest worry of the day is what time your going to the mall to get that new shirt or book you wanted then step into my life please and take on the worrying about havingto make time for work and my school work and classes as well as making sure that my sister is at school and doing her work and passing all her classes so she can graduate. not to mention making sure i have everything i need for everytime i have to go to court and sit there for about 5 hours waiting to talk to a judge for about 10 minutes to see if i can keep my sister or not. i am 21 and feel like i have already lived a lifetime. so when you think ill thoughts about me becasue i cant go see a movie or cant go out with you at the drop of a hat think about the fact that some people dont have the luxury of doing those kinds of things when they have to worry about putting food in the fridge or gas in the cars that take them to work and school and drive others around so we can all make it, maybe youll tep back and think hmm maybe there is a reason she cant go out tonight or wants to stay in tonight becasue she is tired from no sleep and stressed out to the max with school and work and family. im not blowing you off or trying to make you feel like i dont want to be near you but i just dont have time enough in the day to do everything. i would hope that people know that my house is open so when i dont want to go out you can always come here if you really want to hang out with me. i have food and a tv with a dvd player and games... i dont try to avoid people. i do not wish to be judged. thats kinda all ...
9.21.2008
9.14.2008
the kids...
these are just a few of the pictures of the kids i took care of... Duncan...Hayley, June, and the one i loved the most, Mackenzie...
the kids... left to right... June, Hayley, Duncan, Mackenzie Peacock
me and Hayley
Duncan and Mackenzie [in the kitchen that i tried to keep spotless...]
having fun in the snow
June and mackenzie
all my little Thugettes... on june and hayleys birthday
june and i on Easter
haha, this cat loved me alot! probably cuz i was the only one in the house that actually cared about him... =]
we had a fun time playing with our oranges =] Koolaid man dont have nothin on us!
we be thug.. orange thug!
the twins cupcake cakes i made for their birthday... it was hard to hide it but im a good fibber so they believed me... =]
Macks and i
this was a fun time with my girls! i really did love them alot!
arnt they cute?
macks and i AGAIN! [i bonded more with her than with anyone else!] I ♥ HER!
the kids... left to right... June, Hayley, Duncan, Mackenzie Peacock
me and Hayley
Duncan and Mackenzie [in the kitchen that i tried to keep spotless...]
having fun in the snow
June and mackenzie
all my little Thugettes... on june and hayleys birthday
june and i on Easter
haha, this cat loved me alot! probably cuz i was the only one in the house that actually cared about him... =]
we had a fun time playing with our oranges =] Koolaid man dont have nothin on us!
we be thug.. orange thug!
the twins cupcake cakes i made for their birthday... it was hard to hide it but im a good fibber so they believed me... =]
Macks and i
this was a fun time with my girls! i really did love them alot!
arnt they cute?
macks and i AGAIN! [i bonded more with her than with anyone else!] I ♥ HER!
places... in DC
i decided to put some pictures of the places i got to see... although most were on my camera which i fear was stolen within the household i was nannying for. =/ ill write descriptions later!
=]
9.13.2008
Cat Dog!!!
These are my animals.. the one on the right is Tuki... we call her bon qui qui the clown, and on the left is her Ferociously Tame Kitty cat named BooBoo... if you have ever been around my cat and know how many times a week we have to chnge his cat litter [like 7 times a week] you would understand why we call him booboo...
hahaha
just thought i would share this! =]
plus i saw today a cat. im not too fond of cats, but my heart broke when i saw this one. it was a BEAUTIFUL Siamese cat. the only thing wrong with it was when it turned to look at us [my mom and i] one of his eyes was absolutley mutilated. the poor thing looked miserable! my heart instantly broke. i totally and completly am against any kind of cruelty to animals. sons of punks i swear!
9.12.2008
hanging with sara and peter... =]
peter oh wonderful peter came to fix my computer and since he brought Sara i got to hang out with my favorite baby today!!! =] and peter as well, though hes not a baby... lol
chapter One!!!
FRIENDS... real... and So-called....
i have had to struggle all my life with who i can call my real friends and who are not my real friends. i feel at this point there are some "moles" if you will in my little garden of friends... my mom has always told me to be friends with someone a year before i call them a "friend" because a Frind is a person on whom you can rely in the hardest of times and have near in the lightest of times. they hold the candle in the dark times and offer shade when the sun is beating down to hard upon you. a friend is one who holds things private which are said between them. they comfort you and allow themselves to be trusting enough in you that you might comfort them when they stand in need of it also.
there has always been someone that i have given MULTIPLE chances too and now i cannot pretend that they are my friend. any time they come around they bring the spirit of contention with them and there always ends up being drama when they are close. this person is conniving, mean, rude, jealous, false, over dramatic, melodramatic, depressed, self centered, self procalimed "tell you to your face and not behind your back", backstabbing, bipolar, relationship [not romantic but friendship] wrecker.
now that i have gotten out how i semi really feel about that person i need to say that i have given this person alot of chances to be friends. and everytime i end up with some kind of drama in my life. im 21 and i dont need drama in my life. i am an adult and wish that all of the people who are the same age as me [give or take a year or two older] would act as adults. its kind of lame that they cant...
I am willing AM willing to lose "friends" over this. if i cant trust you and i have tried to for years, what is the point of continuing on like this? I am barely 21 and have alot going for me right now. i have alot going against me with out adding this to my plate... so i wont. i am ending it. I have chosen not to share all the information in my life with these people, as they have done with me... so i do not feel bad about not letting them know all the intimate details of the trials thati have been placed in charge of. they do not openly tell me about their problems and i do not ask. i want them to feel that they trust me enough to tell me not that i have to come seek your problems out of you. that makes no sense to me. EVERYONE should know this about me, [ and if you dont then either you do not know me vey well or you are blind! ] if you come and ask me what is going on i will mostl ikely tell you a little bit becasue i feel its rude to leave you in the dark. maybe if i trust you really well, i will tell all but so far that has hasnt happened with but about 4 of my friends. not any of the people i was tlaking about earlier of course, but the people who are also being attacked. we have all felt like this but it sems i have patience enough but not enough. i do not like things left unsaid and i cant stand for things to go on by the wayside. sorry that is just me. these are my feelings on that. sorry if you dont agree...
this is only one SHORT chapter into what life has been like for me this past few weeks....
tomrrow ill write out another or mybe later tonight... they wont be in order mind you as blogger doesnt allow me to organize my thoughts better... =]
i have had to struggle all my life with who i can call my real friends and who are not my real friends. i feel at this point there are some "moles" if you will in my little garden of friends... my mom has always told me to be friends with someone a year before i call them a "friend" because a Frind is a person on whom you can rely in the hardest of times and have near in the lightest of times. they hold the candle in the dark times and offer shade when the sun is beating down to hard upon you. a friend is one who holds things private which are said between them. they comfort you and allow themselves to be trusting enough in you that you might comfort them when they stand in need of it also.
there has always been someone that i have given MULTIPLE chances too and now i cannot pretend that they are my friend. any time they come around they bring the spirit of contention with them and there always ends up being drama when they are close. this person is conniving, mean, rude, jealous, false, over dramatic, melodramatic, depressed, self centered, self procalimed "tell you to your face and not behind your back", backstabbing, bipolar, relationship [not romantic but friendship] wrecker.
now that i have gotten out how i semi really feel about that person i need to say that i have given this person alot of chances to be friends. and everytime i end up with some kind of drama in my life. im 21 and i dont need drama in my life. i am an adult and wish that all of the people who are the same age as me [give or take a year or two older] would act as adults. its kind of lame that they cant...
I am willing AM willing to lose "friends" over this. if i cant trust you and i have tried to for years, what is the point of continuing on like this? I am barely 21 and have alot going for me right now. i have alot going against me with out adding this to my plate... so i wont. i am ending it. I have chosen not to share all the information in my life with these people, as they have done with me... so i do not feel bad about not letting them know all the intimate details of the trials thati have been placed in charge of. they do not openly tell me about their problems and i do not ask. i want them to feel that they trust me enough to tell me not that i have to come seek your problems out of you. that makes no sense to me. EVERYONE should know this about me, [ and if you dont then either you do not know me vey well or you are blind! ] if you come and ask me what is going on i will mostl ikely tell you a little bit becasue i feel its rude to leave you in the dark. maybe if i trust you really well, i will tell all but so far that has hasnt happened with but about 4 of my friends. not any of the people i was tlaking about earlier of course, but the people who are also being attacked. we have all felt like this but it sems i have patience enough but not enough. i do not like things left unsaid and i cant stand for things to go on by the wayside. sorry that is just me. these are my feelings on that. sorry if you dont agree...
this is only one SHORT chapter into what life has been like for me this past few weeks....
tomrrow ill write out another or mybe later tonight... they wont be in order mind you as blogger doesnt allow me to organize my thoughts better... =]
9.10.2008
still not working... lame!!!
but its going to get fixed on friday!! so be prepared for a novel! im serious!!!
=]
=]
9.07.2008
not working!!!
my computer is not working so im on a friends computer... i cant write alot right now, but trust me, i will be writting a NOVEL on here once my computer is fixed... you wont believe all the things that are happening and all the things i have realized... i wish i had the courage to do what i would like to do but knowing me, i am too chicken to make any thing happen there... k so enough for now... but ill for sure be back on here soon! ♥
=]
=]
9.02.2008
today... the watered down version!
worked.... thought i was off at 9 this morning, turns out i had to work till 12!
then i did my FAFSA... i know i know im a late FAFSA do`er... whatever...
then i went to go get this SUPER CUTE book bag from office maz... its made by Levi`s. it looks like a bowling bag but its not... i am so going to use it as a purse cuz its the perfect humungo size!!!
then i had class! i felt so dumb in there.. i havent taken sign since last summer and i cant believe how much i have forgotten! thats what happens when you dont practice with any one for a year!
other than that it was a pretty uneventful daY! im going to be cuz i have school all day practically tomorrow! wish me luck! =]
♥
then i did my FAFSA... i know i know im a late FAFSA do`er... whatever...
then i went to go get this SUPER CUTE book bag from office maz... its made by Levi`s. it looks like a bowling bag but its not... i am so going to use it as a purse cuz its the perfect humungo size!!!
then i had class! i felt so dumb in there.. i havent taken sign since last summer and i cant believe how much i have forgotten! thats what happens when you dont practice with any one for a year!
other than that it was a pretty uneventful daY! im going to be cuz i have school all day practically tomorrow! wish me luck! =]
♥
9.01.2008
weekend....
soooooo.... guess who is of legal drinking age???
ME....
ummm except the little fact that i dont drink... haha
doesnt help me too much huh???
run down of weekend... you already heard about the dance and how much fun i had on that one!
well on saturday...
didnt leave for the beach till like 11 [ i had said i wanted to get down the at 5 am to get a pit] but i was too tired to leave that early... i had been way busy on thursday and friday! ... .so we laft kinda late but that was ok! we got to the beach and i started to get to work on getting a better tan... i got way sunburned but i was also way excited [ i know all the dangers of skin cancer but when you live across the country in a sun free area you want to become mexican looking again you do what it takes!] so its slowly turning into a tan!
Laura and David went down there with me, i got to knwo david a little better and you know what, he is a WAY cool guy! at first i wasnt too sure about him but LoLo loves him so i thought i should get to know him better....
[man two of my good friends both have absolutely AMAZING and wonderful boyfriends... why do i seem to always miss out on good guys? or i dont give certain guys a chance... which i regret... but thats how my life goes] anyway, so i got to know him a little better! then a few other people came and i was pretty happy that some of my good friends were there! i wished some other people would have come but they had jobs and stuff to do so i understood!
i was happy when peter and garrett showed up! what great guys! peter has an amazing voice and garrett is just so blunt and open that its fun to be around him. . .so when david started to play his guitar and peter began to sing, i kid yo unot, little girls kept stopping to listen... they were looking on with little stars in their eyes listening to these wonderfully talented guys who were kind enough to share their talents with us. =] it made my day a little more special even though it wasnt specifically for me, i enjoyed it.
all around it was a great day....
SUNDAY-
was good! except i had gotten home so late that i woke up late and totally missed my moms talk at her ward... i felt bad so i made a cake for her...
then i had to give a talk... we wont go into that.. i thought it was absolutely horrid...
then i went to the Herricks.. .what else is new??
hahah
i love being there! it is such a good place to be! i got to have my Sarah time and i abolutely LOVE that little baby! she is the most precious thing in the world! i love to see her smile and when she laughs, omgosh it makes my day... i could be around her all day long and not even think about anything else! Her mother is soo lucky to have such a wonderful and beautiful little girl! then we played a werewolf game and read scriptures and did a family prayer... i love doingthat with that famiyl.. it makes me feel like i actually have a family... =]
all in all it was really good!
=]
♥
ME....
ummm except the little fact that i dont drink... haha
doesnt help me too much huh???
run down of weekend... you already heard about the dance and how much fun i had on that one!
well on saturday...
didnt leave for the beach till like 11 [ i had said i wanted to get down the at 5 am to get a pit] but i was too tired to leave that early... i had been way busy on thursday and friday! ... .so we laft kinda late but that was ok! we got to the beach and i started to get to work on getting a better tan... i got way sunburned but i was also way excited [ i know all the dangers of skin cancer but when you live across the country in a sun free area you want to become mexican looking again you do what it takes!] so its slowly turning into a tan!
Laura and David went down there with me, i got to knwo david a little better and you know what, he is a WAY cool guy! at first i wasnt too sure about him but LoLo loves him so i thought i should get to know him better....
[man two of my good friends both have absolutely AMAZING and wonderful boyfriends... why do i seem to always miss out on good guys? or i dont give certain guys a chance... which i regret... but thats how my life goes] anyway, so i got to know him a little better! then a few other people came and i was pretty happy that some of my good friends were there! i wished some other people would have come but they had jobs and stuff to do so i understood!
i was happy when peter and garrett showed up! what great guys! peter has an amazing voice and garrett is just so blunt and open that its fun to be around him. . .so when david started to play his guitar and peter began to sing, i kid yo unot, little girls kept stopping to listen... they were looking on with little stars in their eyes listening to these wonderfully talented guys who were kind enough to share their talents with us. =] it made my day a little more special even though it wasnt specifically for me, i enjoyed it.
all around it was a great day....
SUNDAY-
was good! except i had gotten home so late that i woke up late and totally missed my moms talk at her ward... i felt bad so i made a cake for her...
then i had to give a talk... we wont go into that.. i thought it was absolutely horrid...
then i went to the Herricks.. .what else is new??
hahah
i love being there! it is such a good place to be! i got to have my Sarah time and i abolutely LOVE that little baby! she is the most precious thing in the world! i love to see her smile and when she laughs, omgosh it makes my day... i could be around her all day long and not even think about anything else! Her mother is soo lucky to have such a wonderful and beautiful little girl! then we played a werewolf game and read scriptures and did a family prayer... i love doingthat with that famiyl.. it makes me feel like i actually have a family... =]
all in all it was really good!
=]
♥
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