Nina Delgado

2009-06-12T15:41:00.001-07:00

im married!!!!!

2009-04-03T17:37:00.001-07:00

IM ENGAGED!!!!!!!

frustrations...

2009-03-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

some of the little things that are frustrating me at the moment...

*texting...i always end up taking things out of context i guess... ever thing you text more information to people and get a two word response??? i do... maybe i should write two or three word texts...
*not enough hours in the day to do everything i need and want to do
*school schedual...
*work schedual [even though im gratful to have a job]
*family schedual [having to schedual time to be with my family, even though they dont think about my life schedual and usually blow me off... then complain about me never hanging out with them]
*not having my own money on hand to do what i want to...[like escape to the movies like i used to do by my self everyonce in a while when things get to much for me...i miss going to the movies...]
*wanting to relax but not having time to schedual a minute or two for relaxation

* HAVING TO SCHEDUAL MY LIFE!!!!...

Peter at the San Diego Wild Animal Park for his birthday!

2009-03-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

26!!!

US... ♥

Love

2009-02-25T21:51:00.000-08:00

just a reaffirming post to let everyone on here know that i love Peter Wannebo and am grateful to have him in my life! =]

Valentines day =]

2009-02-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

I know everyone looks forward to Valentines day as either the best day thatthey are going to spend with the one that they love, or they look at it as a way to celebrate Single Awarness day [S.A.D] and now i can say i have been on both sides!

i had never had a real valentine before, always seemed something went wrong before i got the chance to spend it with someone which made it all the more special that Peter and I are together. I didnt know what to expect actually and thought i would just go with the flow of what ever happens becasue i am NOT a girl who demands that someone pay all attention to me... i was more worryied that i wasnt going to make it memorable enough for him.

Peter told me that he ordered my Present, and haha, silly guy, i knew exactly what it was... dont ask me how i knew but i did... he was all excited and then asked if he could tell me since he doesnt like to keep things that he gets for people from them... i asked if he would let me guess... so i did. i should have played it out longer but i guessed right away that it was a camera...

this camera to be exact!
so then on Friday we went to Best Buy after he got off work and picked it up... =]
he was sooo excited! [i was too, but it was fun watching him be all excited and it showed how much he loved me... ]

I made a scrapbook and filled some of the pages with pictures that we already haev together and then left room to fill the other pages as we take more pictures [haha with my new camera of course!!!] and a FROG wooden Valentine "Card", because he is my prince... i didnt have to kiss many forgs to find him though.. thank goodness for his sake and mine!! haha, just kidding ;]

then tonight we went out to Oceanside for dinner [we were going to go to Downtown Disney, but had a change of plans that ended up changing even more] so we went to
Harbor Fish and Chips, a place i have gone since i was 4 years old and my grandfather had his boat docked in the Harbor at Oceanside, and we ate then went down to the water...
this is a picture of the Harbor where the Fish and Chips is located... its fabulous! =]

we walked and talked and it was nice to be out with the calming of the waves... i told him that i would really like to dance with him [i love dancing with him] and so we put on OUR song [Save Room, by John Legend]
[Funny thing is when we are in the car and are talking about John Legend, we talk about the CD like it was a rweal person "peter, where is john at?" "i dont know, he`s not in his case..." haha...he is the best] and Slow Danced out on the bech in the dark. it was very nice. I really truly had a great day, and i love Peter more than i can say! he makes me so happy =]... this was a perfect day <3

... my morning

2009-02-03T09:59:00.003-08:00

this morning i woke up and everything was fine, i got ready to leave my house to take my sister to Denny`s [i was going to let her skip seminary this once] for the free brekfast deal, and when i went to start my car it wouldnt start. that was random... and not very appreciated... i left NO lights on in my car, my ipod was not plugged in, and no doors were left open... [trust me being a nanny i had issues with peoples cars not starting becasue of doors being left open... ] so i started getting upset as to what i could have possibly done wrong, that would cause this to happen. my mom told me to call Triple A and have then come jump start it for me so i could go buy a new battery. they sent someone from Yucipa and i had to wait 50 minutes for them to get to my house. im glad they came but was not to thrilled when the guy said that my battery was shot and i needed to get a new one. now its about 7:40 and my class out in Norco has already started so i was pretty sure that i wasnt even going to make it for class which makes me upset becasue i am really wanting to learn now and i dont like missing out on stuff becasue then i feel left behind.... then NONE of the places i went to were open yet... they all opened at 8 am... i cant shut off my car because then it wont start again, so i have to drive around for 15 minutes till one of the places opens up... i had exactly a hundred dollars to get a new battery and have it installed in my car which doesnt leave me a lot of room to play with becasue i have an odd battery i guess... the first place wanted 109.78 to do it all... then i went to Pep Boys and they said they could do it for 99.79. a small tender mercy from the Lord i have no doubt. by the time they installed the battery it was 8:45 and now i still have to take my sister to school, and worry about if i can make it in time for class... i didnt think i would so i have to skip today. but i cant miss my afternoon class so ill be driving out to Norco around 2 so i can make it. im sorry if i seem ungrateful or rude, becasue i know that the lord showed me several blessings this morning but i wonder, why me... what lesson do i need to learn other than patience, and perserverence? i could have been in class learning about chemistry. im sure there is a reason that im not seeing here...

hopefully i havent ruined your morning or day by letting this all out...

most amazing thing ever...

2009-01-30T00:41:00.000-08:00

Constantly my heavenly Father is looking out for me and truly knows my thoughts and the inner most workings of my heart.

Explanation....

This past week since Monday I have been having a rough time at school. For one thing i go all the way out to Norco RCC for this winter intersession, and am away all day. i feel like i have lost connections with people since i only see some people on Sundays. I see Peter everyday with out fail and since we have been together i think we have gone maybe a grand total of like 7 days all together with out seeing each other at least once in a day. crazy huh? anyway, i have been having a hard time being alone at a school where i know absolutly no one, and feel distanced from Peter because we dont even have anything planned when we both get home around 530 or 6... we just know we want to be around each other. i love that. just being around him. he lights up my day. so i have been thinking that i wasnt doing so well in the being a nice person department and there are reasons for that. i just havent felt up to it. so just when i thought i was being left alone and no know understands me or appreciates me, and after venting to my LoLo [Laura, a simply wonderful daughter of our Heavenly Father] that i just needed to be shown that someone loves me [selfish i know], Peter came to pick me up so we could go watch something funny at his house so i could laugh. He gave me some books i had left in his car and had been freaking out earlier in the day, and i noticed his hand was behind his back. i took the books from him and he told me he had something else for me.

i have never had my heart stutter or skip a beat before, but now i can tell you it did. i KNEW what he had.

not even 5 minutes before that i had been talking to LoLo about boys and Flowers.

he pulled out from behind his back a Single Red Rose all wrapped and tied with a little red Ribbon. my heart was full and it really proved to me that my heavenly father loves me enough to pay attention and knows what i need. it was not the material thing [THE ROSE] but the meaning behind it. it meant to me that Peter loved me enough to take time to think about me and go pick it up and surprise me with it. i have never been so happy in my life. =] He is the most amazing boyfriend ever and i love him 3 dollars worth... (maybe ill tell you how that came to be... its been in my family for years =] )

do not doubt that the Lord knows what you need.

the new President....

2009-01-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

These are the lyrics to a song by Canadian punk band Propaghandi, sums up how I feel pretty well....

THE STATE-LOTTERY
"Does it seem strange to you? The confetti. The balloons. The mile-wide grins and the victory dance to welcome in the heir to a state of (utter and complete) disrepair? Because it sure seems strange to me: they’re acting like they won the fucking lottery! I mean, shouldn’t they feel terror at the task that lies ahead: to feed and house the people that this system’s left for dead. And could I have hit the nail much harder on the head? It’s profits before lives. They are motivated by greed. First they taught us to depend on their nation-states to mend our tired minds, our broken bones, our bleeding limbs. But now they’ve sold off all the splints and contracted out the tourniquets and if we jump through hoops then we might just survive. Is this what we deserve? To scrub the palace floors? To fight amongst ourselves? As we scramble for the crumbs they spit out, frothing at the mouth about the scapegoats that they’ve chosen for us. With every racist pointed finger I can hear the goose-steps getting closer.
They no longer represent us so is it not our obligation to confront this tyranny?"

amazing people in my life....

2009-01-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

* Peter, i love him so much and eventually we will be married and sealed in the Newport Temple. He is the love of my life and is so good to me. he calls me beautiful and secretly i love it. he is so handsome to me and i love just looking at him. he makes me feel good about my self and i love just being around him. he is the only one i want to be around sometimes because he makes everything at ease when he is just there. =D

*Kayleigh, she keeps me strong when things get hard and is always there to listen to me rant and rave and babble about nonsense, but in the end she is a true and amazing friend to me and truly my sister at heart...

*RAE, my sister, she is the one that i have always been close too and love to talk to because she never fails to make me laugh. she can make me cry and then turn around a little while later and make up for it by being her nerdy self and laughing it up with some silly movie quote. i never get tired of it

* Tanya, my mom, has been there for me and put up with so much, sometimes i get a little tired of the nagging but i suppose she has to get in as much as she can before i leave for good and she cant boss me around anymore.. she has stuck her neck out for me and helped me when i was at an all time low and never thought anything of it...

i am really appreciative of all of these people. =]

day at Oceanside =]

2009-01-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

school, and life...

2009-01-13T11:28:00.001-08:00

I get up at 5 (maybe 530 when i am extra tired) and am out the door and on the way to take my sister to seminary by 6:10, then its on the freeway for the 30 minute drive to school... Yep I go to RCC Norco. I have a class at 7:35 in the morning which gives me time to sit and read for a little before class. then I have from 10 until 2:50 when my next class starts. That class is over at 5 and then its time to jump back on the freeway to come home. I get home by like 6, maybe 6:15... depending on how bad traffic is. When i get home it seems like i don't have enough time to spend with Peter [who i absolutely want to be with] and or my Mom and Sister. its hard to divide my time but the way i see it, my mom and sister have had me for a long time and now its time to give me up to someone who is wonderful.

Today i got to talk to Kayleigh, my sister from another Mister... haha, she is absolutely amazing, and wonderful and just all around who i would like to emulate on day! She is coming down here to CALI with her roommate from USU and I am super Excited to see her and excited to meet her roommate! [Rachel, or Rachael?] its going to be a great weekend! =]

2009-01-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

and this one

“Love is saying 'I feel differently' instead of 'You're wrong.'”

and this one

“The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything to get in your way.”

another one...

“Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends”

i agree... =]

2009-01-12T13:55:00.000-08:00

i came across this quote and i agree with it =]... i like to think that this is how i am...or at least i know it is how i want to be

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

do you remember when,

2009-01-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

life was so simple? when all we had to worry about was whose drive way we were going to play with chalk on, or were we going to ride our bikes really really fast down the street or just kinda slow, or how many times around the neighborhood we were going to go. i remember one of the biggest things was trying to decide whose house we would play Barbies at. i had a big collction and cars and a HUGE house my dad made for me, but my friend Missy, had about the same if not bigger collection. each one of us always wanted to play with the other persons Barbies at their house. i sure do miss the simple days. now kids are having to figure out Wii systems and as they get older are now being introduced to mroe and more awful things. i wish we could go back a few years...

Earthquakes

2009-01-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

tonight while i was at LoLos house there was an earthquake. it shook from the bottom of the house and i could hear it rumbling before i felt it. i thought someone was jumping on the stairs before i realized what it was.

earthquakes scare me but i never told too many people becasue i dont want them to say, "oh suck it up, its not like the earth is going to open up and swallow you" becasue that may just happen.. .you dont know... they are just scary and i kind of freak out inside... i got im my car to leave and started crying while i was driving and i dont know why. i just know that i wanted to be with peter at that moment, but he was across town and i guess was checking on baby sara, making sure she was ok, when i had to ask him if he was ok,i just wanted to say to him that i felt so alone. but i didnt because i didnt want him to worry about me. i try to be tough...

but anyway i just dont like earthquakes...

New year... still same ole me...

2009-01-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny how at the beginning of the New Year everyone has plans to change themselves so they can be better, or so they wont be the same as last year?
I enjoy being myself. I don't change for anyone and when I do change it is for me. =] When I look around at all the people I used to know in 2008, I am sad to say that I don't talk to, or would rather not talk to. that is one change I had to make. you can never hang out with people who bring you down. Some of them I had gone through some hard times in my life and helped with hard times in their lives. I sometimes think that I end up being the better friend, only because I know in my heart that my intentions are in the right place. sounds like I am tooting my own horn huh? I'm not trying to, but I do realize that after being a friend to someone who doesn't ever let you know that they appreciate what you do, and always take and take and take, that that is not a healthy type of person to be around. I have always been a giver. I will give until the day that I die. I have a lot of love in my heart and have a hard time telling people NO. I want to please everyone. I always have.

this is a random thought, but I was watching a movie recently, and a man bought a bouquet of flowers for this girl, someone he had been friends with for along time, and I was trying to think in my head, was it a special holiday? why did he buy her flowers? turns out he was just so happy that she had come home from a trip and wanted to give her something nice. how sweet is that? I don't think men should buy their girls flowers all the time but every once in a while it is nice. to show how much someone means to you that you thought of them when you saw a flower. Flowers are delicate and sweet. I intend to surround my home with flowers because they have been known to change the mood of the room. I want my home to be light and full of love. what a special way to make it like that. if everyone just had flowers what a wonderful day I believe we would have. =]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-01-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

2009, this is going to be a good year i can feel it =]

hair

2008-12-30T08:42:00.000-08:00

and the reason we dye and cut and beautify is what?

i spent about 3 and a half hours last night bleaching, washing, putting pink dye in, then washing, blowdrying and styling my sisters hair. i must admit that it looks good. the whole time i was thinking, "why did i agree to do this?"but she asked me to and i agreed and had to follow through on my promise to her. i used to think i wanted to go to Cosmotology school and be a beautician. but i dont like wearing makeup too much and i like doing my hair but i cant seem to get that into it when doing someone elses hair. like cutting or simple styles. i LOVE to do formal hair styles. to me it is considered art. i can create and make it look unique. i only get a few chances to do that though when prom or winter formal come up. so i would have to say that now Cosmotology is not one of my passions. i did have fun though with my sister and i havent laughed thathard in i dont even know when. its been a while. she can make me laugh so hard i am literally crying, and she doesnt even have to do anything. i love her, and am glad she is my sister. =]

the holidays...

2008-12-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

i had the most awful day yesterday. i used to think that if i was nice and polite then people would see it and be the same way back to me. usually that is whathappens... but when you work somewhere like i do, [Mervyns] which is going out of buisness in a few days [5 days to be exact], you see peoples true colors. i got called a B-word and told i was pulling a race card becasue i asked to see the inside of the bag of a "african american" woman. i almost laughed. how can i be pulling a race card when i do the same thing to mexicans and white people too?? thats is what she said though and then told me she had half a mind to return her things and get her money back... i almost laughed out loud. i wanted to tell her she was stupid becasue she was just told that all sales are final. NO EXCEPTIONS... i would have liked to see her try to return them...

peter and i at the thanksgiving dinner

2008-12-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

we had fun!

living Christmas Tree

2008-12-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

is a pagent put on by a church in Banning [ Life Point Church] and it is wonderful... as my sister put it, "i feel like im in a 7th Heaven episode" the music was fun and cute to watch and the preaching wasnt so bad. i respect other churches and am not one to put down anothers faith because in the grand scheme of things we are all praying to the same God. this is a time of Year to celebrate the Birth of our Savior and although i was not in one of our church buildings i really did feel the spirit. they have their hearts in the right place and i understand that. it was a program that you could tell they worked for a long time on. the christmas tree was amazing, i have apicture of it but not when it was all lit up....

my Deal

2008-12-17T08:45:00.001-08:00

when someone says

what is your deal?

.:angry tone:. i always think in my head, what is my deal?
how many times have i had a thought in my head that has nothing to do with anything around me, sometimes I think I have a mind of a child. i am easily amused which is why i like weird and funny songs with out profanity, dumb little Christmas movies that i have watched with my family for years, i talk to my animals sometimes as if they can answer me back, and i am pleased with the simple things in life. i am not an expensive girl, in no way shape or form, i have lived through tough times as i am sure many people have and i don't see it as a set back. of course i would like for my future children to have better than i did but i already knew they will for the little fact that i [as their birth mother] will love them more than anything in the world. also even before they are born they will have it better than i had it. my birth mother [Suezan] was not married to my father [Jose] when any one of us 3 kids were brought into this world. she smoke drank and did drugs while pregnant. will i do any of those things? NO.. i will be married before i start a family, i don't drink and smoke and i will never do drugs. i can go back even further, for my mother was not a member of a church that i know of. she did not have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in her life. may i one up her already. i belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am so proud to be a member and be raised in this church by my wonderful Mother Tanya. I try not to dwell on the fact that the world is crumbling because i cant help it. i cant change the fact that people years ago did not think before they took out serious actions in the government that i have no idea about in the first place. i know i should be worrying about this hard time and yet i am content with living my life the way i always have. and i can do that. i don't spend money like its going out of style, because it already has gone out, since i was not raised to be frivolous with my money. yes it is hard and i struggle with it but i don't go crazy. i will continue to go to church like we have been told that we should. i will continue to pray and read my scriptures because i have been told to and know that it is the right thing to do. i will continue to love my family through all the grief that they give me because at the end of they day they are still my family. i will continue to love Peter and watch it grow on a daily basis because i do love him and i do want to be with him for the rest of my life and the one hereafter. that's me. simple. secure. [sometimes].
that, is my deal

in need of some serious Madea time!

2008-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

i have this sudden urge to go rent and watch some good Madea plays!

Finals...

2008-12-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

this is the point where i realize how much more i should have been paying attention in class, or how much more i should have been reading my textbook, or taking better notes..[even though i have spiral notebooks filled with notes from this semester alone] ... and now it comes the time to test what i know. all i can do now is pray... and pray hard!!!

where i wanna be...

2008-12-12T10:19:00.001-08:00

so i can clear all thoughts out of my head and enjoy the peaceful sound of the waves and the seagulls and just listen to the sound of nature. it helps me to be calm.

2008-12-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

because some times that is all i want to do... then i remember that you are not worth it.

one of my many complexes...

2008-12-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

i think to much about how people feel and take things that i say. i wish i could get over it and just not care so much, but its just that even when someone i do not care for talks to me i get mad even though i shouldnt. why do i do that? im human i know and have these human tendencies but then i remember Jesus said to love all men and forgive all men. how come then i cant see mto shake my feelings of dislike?

ill continue to work on it.

magic castle... and LA

2008-12-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

Long Time No Post...

2008-12-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

So i fell in love. I avoided it for a while and played it off, but in the end i couldnt help but tell him how i felt. things have been going GREAT ever since! we Love each other and I know he is the one i am going to marry. Apaarently everyone else knew it before we did. which i think is funny! i have turned into that girl thati used to talk about. i cant stand to be away from him and when we dont see each other i feel a void. i like that we were friends for a while before we got together becasue he is my best friend now. i cant even express how much i love him and cant wait to be his wife, after we go to the temple.

=]

lovely day...

2008-11-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

i had the most wonderful day ever! Peter and i went up to Forest Falls [absolutly beautiful] and hung out up there then had lunch, and went to the movies to go see the Dark Knight which i havent seen yet, with Matt and Mike Herrick! it was sooooo good! i was so happy that i got to see it! im so glad that peter and i got to spend so much time today! makes me realize how much i love him everyday!

♥

heartbeat...

2008-11-10T13:16:00.001-08:00

when i hear it, it means he is close to me. this past semi weekend was awful becasue i couldnt hear it and that meant Peter was far away from me. that is a feeling i do not like... im just thankful he is home and safe and enjoyed the concerts at least.

everything seems to be going ok. and im happy. truly happy for once in my life. =]

thank you

♥

ugh.....

2008-11-06T22:21:00.000-08:00

i miss Peter so much right now... silly concert that he bought tickets to a while ago!!! seriously who has a 4 day concert!!!! i would be totally different if i was with him right now at that silly concert but oh well! i miss him like crazy!!!

♥

change...

2008-11-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

wow i feel like my future is being decided today. there is so much going on that its like a whirlwind of events, this election is probably the most important thing in my entire life up to this point. today and the whole Prop 8 is going to determine whether i can get married in the temple i want to or if i will have to go to another state to do it in. i dont want to go to anyother state other than right here in my own "backyard" to get married in one of the temples here. i know some people are outwardly expressive about prop 8 and that is fine with me. i am more of an inward thinker. i havent gotten as involved as i know i could have but in my heart i know what is right and i pray very strongly that it passes. to me this Same Sex prop is more important than the actual selecting of a president as far as im concerned. i have spent more time "campaigning" for the YES on prop 8 than i have on promoting who i want for president, because quite frankly i dont think either one of the candidates are any good. i wont go into that becasue its all about my own personal thoughts on each one but i think the country is Doomed with either one of them coming into power.
i let Peter get all worked up about it becasue he knows so much more than i do and i get to hear his thoughts and ideas on this whole thing and its comforting to knwo that he says almost what ever i am thinking about all this. i had written a blog on here a while back in which i was talking about boyfriends and how girls seem to always want them around and how i am good with out someone. well like i said in that blog i was not in that situation and didnt know, maybe it would happen to me... well that time has come and i do have Peter and i seriously hate to be away from him. when he is around it calms me down and i feel like there is no one else in the world when we are tlaking about us and tentitive plans for the future. i feel like i have been with him for the longest time and its only been a short time that we have actually been together. i kept dancing around it but as soon as i kinda said screw everyone else i want to be happy, things worked out and im glad they did. i cant see my self with anyone else who makes me feel the way he makes me feel. i appreciate him and how he is always there for me. someone at church was commenting on our testimonies and said they liked how passionate Peter was when he went up and then how calm i was when i went up [even though i turned all red because my heart was beating so fast becasue i felt the spirit stronger that i ever had in my life] and i told them yes we do balance each other out quite nicely. and we do... i think ill keep him....
♥

pumpkin carving!

2008-10-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

tonight my boyfriend [wow! i know right!!!!] and i carved a master piece! he did the poking of the dots and i cut them out...

as this was all happening we were talking and laughing and being silly with my mom who i love todeath. during all this i was thinking how as we go through life we "poke" out our Dots and make the path for our lives. then as we go through we cut out our pieces and hope they come out enough that the light can shine through. i decided i need to work on the cutting of the pieces in my life. sometimes we do not get all of it out and have to go back and with a more steady hand, perfect what we could not do on the first try. in the end we hope our carvings match the picture and everything is in the right place and things were done correctly.

all in all i think that i am doing an okay job and im working on making my hand more steady.

our pumpkin turned out great... we make a good team.... i think ill keep him! ;]

♥

our song...... by John Legend

2008-10-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

"Save Room"

Say that you'll stay a little
dont say bye-bye tonight
say you'll be mine
just a little bit of love
is worth a moment of your time.
Knockin' on your door just a little
it's so cold outside tonight
let's get a fire burning
oh I know I'll keep it burning bright
if your stay, wont you save, save

Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love
Save a little, save a little for me
Won't you save a little
Save a little for me

This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
dont be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
hold on to me pretty baby
you will see I can be all you need if you stay
won't you save, save

Oh c'mon, make time to live a little
don't let this moment slip by tonight
you'll never know what you're missing
'till you try, ill keep you satisfied if you stay
won't you save, save

♥

new beginings... sad endings...

2008-10-26T10:56:00.001-07:00

These past few days i have felt just awful, feeling something just wasnt right. i thought about what it might be and thought that since i am not so good at my emotions or expressing them to others that that was what was wrong. i semi picked a argument and said alot of thingsi shouldnt have to someone i do truly care alot about. but it didnt take away that sense of "something being wrong", so i felt bad, prayed about it, and saw the light. i have been afraid. too afraid to be better, not i made a choice and im feeling TONS better about it. but the something wrong feeling still not gone, i was getting frustrated and upset with this feeling. then i got a phone call from an aunt that i havent spoken to in 8 years. What a strong woman she is, she called to ask me for Angels number and my tia Cheyo`s number. as i was giving her the number for my tia, i explained that i didnt know where Angel was at. that he had left our family and no one really knows where he is. then i asked what she needed their numbers for after 8 years? she told me that my cousin, her oldest daughter Christina, passed away. i was shocked! the ni asked if she would mind telling how it happened and when it happened, she said that Christina committed suicide after having Post Pardum Depression and that her baby was only 4 months old. then she told me that Christina took her life in JULY. i was even more shocked! we talked about the whole fmaily and things that have happened in the time since i last saw her at her other daughter, Jackie`s, graaduation. lots of catching up to do. last night was eventful, i was able to open up a little more to Peter, and im really glad i did. =]
its a new begining for me and im happy about it!

♥

"missing"

2008-10-23T17:58:00.001-07:00

i feel like im missing something.... i cant put my finger on it but i am missing something.... gotta find out what it is... cuz its drivin me CRAZY!

im not so good

2008-10-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

at keeping up with this now... seems like i never have enough time!

first, i am super busy studying for mid terms which i have three coming up here really soon!

first one is in Sign! UGH!!! i dont feel like im coming along with that one at all! i know alittle but my brain is processing it at super slow speed! how am i supposed to do this??!!?? anyway im slowly VEYR VERY VERY slowly working on it!

sencond one is in history of Western Civilizations, which is going ok... just tons of time lines to remember!

Third is in History of ancient greece! that one i am totally interested in except i always feel like im missing something... like the teacher said something that went over my head!

then im busy working, as much as i can... and just found out that the store i work at is CLOSING.... all the whole chain of stores are closing! so now its time to find a new job and compete with all the christmas rush to get a seasonal job becasue something is DEFINITELY better than nothing!

this was a good small release, but i am going to be late for class if i dont get out of here so ill write more later!
♥

2008-10-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

super busy....

2008-10-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

i havent had much time to write on here but i have afew things i know i want to talk about.... i have just been so wrapped up with sudying hard core for school, i didnt realize how far behind i actually was, and work, and family stuff... getting ready for another day at court on the 31st! how weird to have court on halloween! anyway ill come back on here and write about all this stuff because i need to get it all out! yay for blogs!

=]

2008-10-08T23:05:00.001-07:00

its like ... nice!

♥

The Alliance by Gerald N Lund.

2008-10-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

im starting it today and ill update when i finish the book and let you know what i thought... also its the new reading material for the Relief Society Book Club... we will see what others think about it too... so until later!

=]

the Freedom Factor :Gerald Lund

2008-10-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

is sooo good!!1 i finished it in about 2 hours maybe... [cuz i had to take breaks to do some chore things around the house]

i now look at the united states constitution in a whole new light! im so glad that there were a few good men who were willing to shape our foundation! i wont go into it, maybe when i re`read it sometime in the future ill come back an update this, but know it is a really good story!

=]

my new decisions!

2008-10-04T12:09:00.001-07:00

i have decided to change my theme on here from talking about my problems ALL of the time!

now i am going to read and write... thats right!

im starting to get WAY back into reading and i would like to write what i think about the books on here...
no i wont be talking about Twilight... becasue although i thinkk its a good series, its already been talked about enough...

to start im reading a book recommended by the Herrick family... [actually all the books im reading as of now are recommended by the Herrick family]...

Title :The Freedom Factor
Author :Gerald N Lund

thats just so you know what book im starting with.. ill be posting up my thoughts AFTER i finish reading the book. hopefully i can make enough time to actually read the books like i want!
STAY TUNED!!!

AND.............

if you have read the books, then leave me a tid bit of info that you have on the book or thoughts you aquired while reading the book... if you havent read it then maybe you would want to read it too!

=]

procrastinating

2008-10-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

i keep coming on here to write but then i get distracted and pulled away to other things...

things i am grateful for

*my real friends... the ones i dont have drama with or am able to talk to and settle any hurt feelings with!
* my mom -for putting up with all my drama and anxiety and problems in general!
*my church, for strengthening me when i need it and allowing me to perform service for others!
*my car for not breaking down and being reliable!
*my phone, to keep in contact with my friends and loved ones!
*you for reading this... even though you dont have to because honestly who cares what i say???

=]

done...

2008-09-30T13:40:00.001-07:00

here are some things i am done with....

* being nice ALL the time
*worrying about how others will take what i say...[you dont care about how your words affect me so why should i?]
*saying sorry all the time...
*being the first one to step up and ask if something is wrong...
*being the first one to back down from a disagreement, fight, arguement or what ever...
* sidestepping my self to please you

bruise

2008-09-24T15:52:00.001-07:00

i was going back through my old email and found one that i had sent on the 25th of MAY to the mother of the children that i was nannying for. I had just quit becasue her son had hit me [well grabbed me and pushed me back] and i told her about bruises i sustained on my forearms. tomorrow is the 25th of SEPTEMBER and guess what....!!!???!!!
one of the bruises is still present on my arm. 4 months.... and she got mad at me for stepping in because none of us knew what was going through his mind and none of us knew whether or not he would hurt her daughter[ the reason i stepped in the middle]. i know he would have seriously hurt her!

just thought that was an interesting piece of information!

take it as you will but DO NOT JUDGE ME...

2008-09-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

you dont know what i have gone through. just as i do not know what you have gone through.

i had an appointment with a lady today to see about getting my sister medical insurance. they said she didnt qualify becasue i make too much money... i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. i make minimum wage, and only get between 15 and 25 hours of work each week... how in the heck do i mike too much money? i was super upset becasue when my "father" [the devil] called me and started some bull crap with me. what i find funny is that he disowned me [his awful BAD daughter] and said that he didnt want to have any contact with me because i had turned on my own flesh and blood.... WRONG! i didnt... i simply am looking out for me from now on... he turned on us years ago, before we were born perhaps. he has always dabbled in drugs and been an alcoholic [yes i still have considered him an alcoholic even though the longest he was "sober" was about 3 years. i dont care... your still an alcoholic] and no one knew that side of himself becasue like my mother he is a good lyer and does very well at putting up fronts so people do not know the truth behind the mask.he told me today that he was in san fransisco. i hope thats the last place he visits but then again i can only wish. for anyone who thinks , aw she should give him some slack, then you can take those thoughts right out of here. i have given him TOO MANY chances. there are no more left. i realized i do not know as much as i thought i did about my "father" how could i have come from the same genetic make up as he did? i feel ike i want to be cleansed of him and finally rid of him. well tough break kid. instead of being happy and having him out of my life forever i get to inherit my kid sister because no one else wanted her. heck i didnt even want her. but because i am the only sane and stable one in my family [my birth mom is a paranoid schizophrenic, my "fasther" is a lunatic schizophrenic on drugs and who drinks too much, and my brother drinks all hismoney away and spends it on frivilous things rather than getting a education and making something of his life] so that leaves me the daughter wh oabandoned her family to stay in the church, and go make money so she could go to school and eventually get married in the temple with out having her family pay for everything [not that that would happen anyway]. i became the out cast becasue i schose the right. yet people cannot cease to make rumors about me, cause drama around me and wonder why i do not want to take part. i am forced to be more grown up than they will have to be for about the next 10 years. i know more about the world than they do [that i am sure of] and yet they continue to act like children. i wish they could step into my life for a day and see if they could handle it? they would probably never have anything bad to say about me again. i mean when you get to sleep all day or your biggest worry of the day is what time your going to the mall to get that new shirt or book you wanted then step into my life please and take on the worrying about havingto make time for work and my school work and classes as well as making sure that my sister is at school and doing her work and passing all her classes so she can graduate. not to mention making sure i have everything i need for everytime i have to go to court and sit there for about 5 hours waiting to talk to a judge for about 10 minutes to see if i can keep my sister or not. i am 21 and feel like i have already lived a lifetime. so when you think ill thoughts about me becasue i cant go see a movie or cant go out with you at the drop of a hat think about the fact that some people dont have the luxury of doing those kinds of things when they have to worry about putting food in the fridge or gas in the cars that take them to work and school and drive others around so we can all make it, maybe youll tep back and think hmm maybe there is a reason she cant go out tonight or wants to stay in tonight becasue she is tired from no sleep and stressed out to the max with school and work and family. im not blowing you off or trying to make you feel like i dont want to be near you but i just dont have time enough in the day to do everything. i would hope that people know that my house is open so when i dont want to go out you can always come here if you really want to hang out with me. i have food and a tv with a dvd player and games... i dont try to avoid people. i do not wish to be judged. thats kinda all ...

80s dance!

2008-09-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

the kids...

2008-09-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

these are just a few of the pictures of the kids i took care of... Duncan...Hayley, June, and the one i loved the most, Mackenzie...

the kids... left to right... June, Hayley, Duncan, Mackenzie Peacock

me and Hayley

Duncan and Mackenzie [in the kitchen that i tried to keep spotless...]

having fun in the snow

June and mackenzie

all my little Thugettes... on june and hayleys birthday

june and i on Easter

haha, this cat loved me alot! probably cuz i was the only one in the house that actually cared about him... =]

we had a fun time playing with our oranges =] Koolaid man dont have nothin on us!

we be thug.. orange thug!

the twins cupcake cakes i made for their birthday... it was hard to hide it but im a good fibber so they believed me... =]

Macks and i

this was a fun time with my girls! i really did love them alot!

arnt they cute?

macks and i AGAIN! [i bonded more with her than with anyone else!] I ♥ HER!

places... in DC

2008-09-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

i decided to put some pictures of the places i got to see... although most were on my camera which i fear was stolen within the household i was nannying for. =/ ill write descriptions later!

=]

Cat Dog!!!

2008-09-13T12:31:00.001-07:00

These are my animals.. the one on the right is Tuki... we call her bon qui qui the clown, and on the left is her Ferociously Tame Kitty cat named BooBoo...
if you have ever been around my cat and know how many times a week we have to chnge his cat litter [like 7 times a week] you would understand why we call him booboo...

hahaha
just thought i would share this! =]

plus i saw today a cat. im not too fond of cats, but my heart broke when i saw this one. it was a BEAUTIFUL Siamese cat. the only thing wrong with it was when it turned to look at us [my mom and i] one of his eyes was absolutley mutilated. the poor thing looked miserable! my heart instantly broke. i totally and completly am against any kind of cruelty to animals. sons of punks i swear!

hanging with sara and peter... =]

2008-09-12T19:03:00.001-07:00

peter oh wonderful peter came to fix my computer and since he brought Sara i got to hang out with my favorite baby today!!! =] and peter as well, though hes not a baby... lol

chapter One!!!

2008-09-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

FRIENDS... real... and So-called....

i have had to struggle all my life with who i can call my real friends and who are not my real friends. i feel at this point there are some "moles" if you will in my little garden of friends... my mom has always told me to be friends with someone a year before i call them a "friend" because a Frind is a person on whom you can rely in the hardest of times and have near in the lightest of times. they hold the candle in the dark times and offer shade when the sun is beating down to hard upon you. a friend is one who holds things private which are said between them. they comfort you and allow themselves to be trusting enough in you that you might comfort them when they stand in need of it also.
there has always been someone that i have given MULTIPLE chances too and now i cannot pretend that they are my friend. any time they come around they bring the spirit of contention with them and there always ends up being drama when they are close. this person is conniving, mean, rude, jealous, false, over dramatic, melodramatic, depressed, self centered, self procalimed "tell you to your face and not behind your back", backstabbing, bipolar, relationship [not romantic but friendship] wrecker.

now that i have gotten out how i semi really feel about that person i need to say that i have given this person alot of chances to be friends. and everytime i end up with some kind of drama in my life. im 21 and i dont need drama in my life. i am an adult and wish that all of the people who are the same age as me [give or take a year or two older] would act as adults. its kind of lame that they cant...

I am willing

willing to lose "friends" over this. if i cant trust you and i have tried to for years, what is the point of continuing on like this? I am barely 21 and have alot going for me right now. i have alot going against me with out adding this to my plate... so i wont. i am ending it. I have chosen not to share all the information in my life with these people, as they have done with me... so i do not feel bad about not letting them know all the intimate details of the trials thati have been placed in charge of. they do not openly tell me about their problems and i do not ask. i want them to feel that they trust me enough to tell me not that i have to come seek your problems out of you. that makes no sense to me. EVERYONE should know this about me, [ and if you dont then either you do not know me vey well or you are blind! ] if you come and ask me what is going on i will mostl ikely tell you a little bit becasue i feel its rude to leave you in the dark. maybe if i trust you really well, i will tell all but so far that has hasnt happened with but about 4 of my friends. not any of the people i was tlaking about earlier of course, but the people who are also being attacked. we have all felt like this but it sems i have patience enough but not enough. i do not like things left unsaid and i cant stand for things to go on by the wayside. sorry that is just me. these are my feelings on that. sorry if you dont agree...

this is only one SHORT chapter into what life has been like for me this past few weeks....
tomrrow ill write out another or mybe later tonight... they wont be in order mind you as blogger doesnt allow me to organize my thoughts better... =]

still not working... lame!!!

2008-09-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

but its going to get fixed on friday!! so be prepared for a novel! im serious!!!

=]

not working!!!

2008-09-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

my computer is not working so im on a friends computer... i cant write alot right now, but trust me, i will be writting a NOVEL on here once my computer is fixed... you wont believe all the things that are happening and all the things i have realized... i wish i had the courage to do what i would like to do but knowing me, i am too chicken to make any thing happen there... k so enough for now... but ill for sure be back on here soon! ♥

=]

today... the watered down version!

2008-09-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

worked.... thought i was off at 9 this morning, turns out i had to work till 12!

then i did my FAFSA... i know i know im a late FAFSA do`er... whatever...

then i went to go get this SUPER CUTE book bag from office maz... its made by Levi`s. it looks like a bowling bag but its not... i am so going to use it as a purse cuz its the perfect humungo size!!!

then i had class! i felt so dumb in there.. i havent taken sign since last summer and i cant believe how much i have forgotten! thats what happens when you dont practice with any one for a year!

other than that it was a pretty uneventful daY! im going to be cuz i have school all day practically tomorrow! wish me luck! =]

♥

2008-09-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

weekend....

2008-09-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

soooooo.... guess who is of legal drinking age???

ME....

ummm except the little fact that i dont drink... haha

doesnt help me too much huh???

run down of weekend... you already heard about the dance and how much fun i had on that one!

well on saturday...

didnt leave for the beach till like 11 [ i had said i wanted to get down the at 5 am to get a pit] but i was too tired to leave that early... i had been way busy on thursday and friday! ... .so we laft kinda late but that was ok! we got to the beach and i started to get to work on getting a better tan... i got way sunburned but i was also way excited [ i know all the dangers of skin cancer but when you live across the country in a sun free area you want to become mexican looking again you do what it takes!] so its slowly turning into a tan!
Laura and David went down there with me, i got to knwo david a little better and you know what, he is a WAY cool guy! at first i wasnt too sure about him but LoLo loves him so i thought i should get to know him better....
[man two of my good friends both have absolutely AMAZING and wonderful boyfriends... why do i seem to always miss out on good guys? or i dont give certain guys a chance... which i regret... but thats how my life goes] anyway, so i got to know him a little better! then a few other people came and i was pretty happy that some of my good friends were there! i wished some other people would have come but they had jobs and stuff to do so i understood!

i was happy when peter and garrett showed up! what great guys! peter has an amazing voice and garrett is just so blunt and open that its fun to be around him. . .so when david started to play his guitar and peter began to sing, i kid yo unot, little girls kept stopping to listen... they were looking on with little stars in their eyes listening to these wonderfully talented guys who were kind enough to share their talents with us. =] it made my day a little more special even though it wasnt specifically for me, i enjoyed it.

all around it was a great day....

SUNDAY-
was good! except i had gotten home so late that i woke up late and totally missed my moms talk at her ward... i felt bad so i made a cake for her...

then i had to give a talk... we wont go into that.. i thought it was absolutely horrid...

then i went to the Herricks.. .what else is new??
hahah
i love being there! it is such a good place to be! i got to have my Sarah time and i abolutely LOVE that little baby! she is the most precious thing in the world! i love to see her smile and when she laughs, omgosh it makes my day... i could be around her all day long and not even think about anything else! Her mother is soo lucky to have such a wonderful and beautiful little girl! then we played a werewolf game and read scriptures and did a family prayer... i love doingthat with that famiyl.. it makes me feel like i actually have a family... =]

all in all it was really good!

=]

♥

i was too tired to post this yesterday!

2008-08-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

i got temporary guardianship of my sister after sitting in court for almost 4 hours!

i worked after that and was so dead tired but really kinda wanted to go to the dance!

i went to the dance with
-Laura [my heart friend]
-Lianna [my amazingly good looking + good looking hair friend]
-Emily [just met but she is super fun!]
-Candice [super cool and tons of fun to dance it up with!]
AND
-Mimi [also just met but this chick is crazy cool!]

so basically we were all pretty hot.

haha

humbleness? no way!
haha we had a great time and tons of fun dancing it up with each other! i think all of us danced with some boy during the night, except LoLo because i told david i would keep all the boys away from her... i did a pretty good job i htink!!! it was hard but i did it!! haha

oh and i got stopped by the PoPo.. heres the story..

i was going to lauras house and i went by the way of the stake center [its just easier] but i noticed that there was a DUI check point and i had just switched into my moms car [it gets better gas] and left my purse in the trunk. so i didnt want to ge tthere and not have it then have to open the trunk to get it out there and stop all traffic, so i pulled into the stake center parking lot and got out my wallet. as i was turning to go to the check point with my ID now in hand, a motercycle PoPo pulled me over.. like 100 ft away from the checkpoint... i was like..."huh???"
then he asked why i ha pulled in to the parking lot and if i was trying to avoid the checkpoint becasue i had been drinking... i told him polietly that i was only trying to make it easier for th eofficers by getting my wallet out of my trunk so i didnt hold up the line by being an idiot and forgetting my id in the trunk. he asked if i had been drinking and i told him no, that i actually went "to that church right there" and that i knew i would be safe as i tried to get my belongings from my car... he told me to be safe and said bye.
THEN i got to the checkpoint and immediatly the officer shined the light in my eyes and asked if i had been drinking... [it was only like 9 anyway! who drinks before 9??]i said no and handed him my license stating that i wasnt old enough yet....[probably should have clarified that...] the other officer laughed and said "yet??" i told them that i turned 21 on sunday, but that it didnt give me free reign to drink anyweay... i said "im mormon... i dont drink anyway so i guess it really doesnt matter that i turn 21 huh?"... they both laughed and the officer closest to me said ok well drive safe and dont drink...

eh... didnt i just say i dontdrink???

anyways, then the night went good fro mthere! the dance was fun! but way too hot!! not in like oo la la kinda hot... like hot as in GET ME SOME AIR or ICECUBES kinda hot! it was like kinda raunchy in there... i didnt care for some of the people there but i managed to stay away from themso that was good becasue the girls i went with were amazing and soo much fun!!!

plus, some of the Samoan boys are pretty dang cute! =]

and they are nice too.. .they cut me off getting out of the parking lot, but then backed up and let me go in front of them! we htought it was pretty cute and nice of them to do that =]

there is always the next dance too! HOLLA!!!

♥

in the morning

2008-08-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

i have a court hearing to get Temporary Legal Guardianship of my 17 year old sister...

im kinda nervous...

its a big deal...

how many other 20 [days shy away from being 21] year olds can say that they have taken all the responsibility and work that i have taken upon myself? its going to be hard, i just hope i can handle it.

=\

photo album...

2008-08-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

i got my first present for my 21st birthday that is coming up here in a few days...
my grandmother [my birth mothers mother] sent me a photo album that she has been working on for about a year. she said it was the only thing she thought she could give me of meaning for my birthday. i am sooo super excited! it has info on soooo many people and pictures of all of her family...

im working on one to send to her with pictures from my brother,sister and i`s childhood till now...

she has never seen my little sister except for in baby pictures...she told me some funny things i used to say and do when i was about 2 and a halfish... i laughed so hard cuz it seems like something i would do or say... =]

my sister, and mom

2008-08-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

since im getting guardianship of my sister i thought you should see what im getting... lol.. i love my sister and am glad she has agreed to live with us and our rules! she is an amaazingly smart girl and knows so much for her young years. she has had to deal with things that most 17 years olds havent had to deal with. we both have. anyway i love her and my mom more than anything in the world! =]

busy busy busy

2008-08-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

so everyone wants to knwo why im so dang busy....

well... here is the list.. in no particular order....

1. i work alot mostly eary EARLY mornings or late at night
2. im busy trying to get everything in order for school to start.
3.my little sister moved in with us becasue her father is a jerk and left with out telling her. [he is my father too but i dont refer to him like that.]
4. FHE planning takes up alot of time... especially when i want to actually plan out fun things instead of saying... UMMM lets play a game that we have already dont a thousand times... or lets play volleyball... i want FHE to be fun so it requires time...

those are the start on why im so busy... and dont have time to hang out with you guys all the time anymore... im busy trying to be so much older than i am that i dont have time to do the fun things anymore..........

maybe next summer.....

too much to handle....

2008-08-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

no its beyond taht now...

i now know why i was feeling so empty/snappy/mean/sarcastic/voided the other day. when i think about the man that helped create me [i do not call him my father/dad/daddy/padre/papa/papi or anything closely associated with that becasue in my eyes he is dead.] i get these anxious feelings. i am not paranoid but when you think like someone who can only be thought of as EVIL, or dreadful then you start to think of all the things that can happen. I have told my mom that i can think like him becasue i am his flesh and blood. he is a part of me. a part that i wish with all my heart i could drain or cut away from my body. when i told my mom all the things that he was capable of doing, she wasnt shocked but became scared. she knew he was capable of somethings but when i started to say the things that i thought he would do becasue he had talked about them she kinda got scared. she didnt question me though. she just asked how we could prevent it. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON for thinking like that. i know alot more than people sometimes give me credit for. i am observant and thoughtful, sometimes too thoughtful. if there is a way to protect my family i will do it. i never doubted that he would abandon my family, we have all left him but my little sister. well he abandoned her. gave her up. walked away... i dont care what you call it. he cant handle pressure and right now he is feeling the hot poke of the devils pitchfork becasue of his choices. he cant face the consequenses of his mistakes so he did what a coward does. HE RAN. Think what you will of me but i wish he would just step off a cliff. it would save us all the heartache and trouble we have had to put up with since he got custody of my brother and sister and i when we were little. my sister is more loyal to him becasue she has been with our family since she was 18 months old. i remember living with my real mom [that was no better than living with him], and he has had his on again off again love affair with other women , drugs, and alcohol. what an example. i wish to never be like ihm EVER in my life. i wont allow myself to be becasue i am a good person who deserves more than that. he is one chapter in my life book that i wish i could erase. i know when i say thati wish he were never born people always say to me " well you wouldnt have been born then either". true true, but i just cant really believe that i CHOSE this family. i CHOSE him. What the heck was i thinking? no i decided that this isnt too much to handle. there is a reason all this is going on, and the Lord would not give me something i couldnt handle right? right.

Void...

2008-08-21T13:22:00.001-07:00

i feel empty.

i feel sad.

i feel like crying.

i feel like screaming.

why do i feel that way?

all day i have had the feeling that something was wrong. i was snapping at my mom, [which is something i never do... how can you snap at someone who has done everything in their power to help you and keep you safe from harm? besides she is my only best friend i have right now] and just felt sick to my stomache.

then i got a call. from someone i wish was no longer on this earth. yes i do feel that way about one person and ONE person alone. it made me feel better to finally understand why i had been feeling this way ALL day.

ever feel like you only constantly hurt people? i do. it seems the harder i try not to hurt people or hurt their feelings, the worse i do. i am the tpe of person that is always thinking things out in advance and i always think way far ahead in the future. USUALLY. sometimes i dont and then i realize OH CRAP this isnt going to be good. then i have to go through the broken stage becasue i failed to protect someone elses feelings. you have no idea what that does to me. it seems like i am forever saying "im sorry" to others. it gets to be hard sometimes but i am the one who will keep saying im sorry. its just how i am.

judgement day....

2008-08-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

its not my place to judge people. i try my hardest not to judge. i have opinions of people but every person has a different life and different trials. I heard quote from a friend once when i was complaning about people judging me and not know who i am in the littlest bit and she gave me this quote, ok so it might have been a piece of flair or a bumpersticker that she was talking about but never the less....

"you couldnt walk a mile in my shoes... you would trip on the first step"

i try to live by those words. i do not ever wish to walkin someones elses shoes becasue then i would have to deal with all the things they go through. maybe people should understand one another before they jump to conclusions about what other people mean.

boys... guys... men... ehh...

2008-08-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

my mother has taught me how to read into things and read out of them as well... she and i are very close and we talk about everything usually. she is supportive in what i choose to do and who i choose to associate with. although she has that motherly "when are you gonna get married and give me grandbabies" tone every once in a while i know she is eager to see me start school again and then find someone. which i am content with. i am also content with being single and wish people would stop trying to change that.its so frustrating being introduced to someone [usually older people in my moms ward or people i have known since i was a little kid] who have a son or sons, somewhere around my age or a little older and instantly its readable on their face... "OH your about 21?? hmmm i wish my son would marry you and give us grandkids, or more grandkids". i have had multiple people ask me why i havent gotten married yet and had any kids, becasue i am beautiful. my answer, "when i find out why, ill let you know..." its sad becasue they always seem to think that they know someone who i would be just perfect with or how cute i would look with someone that they have known or a grandchild of theirs who is "just about your age sweetie"... TRUST ME, its not that i dont want to get married or have children. infact that is my biggest goal in life, but i have been hurt before by false promises and am not so eager to go down that path again. i havent gotten back to seeking out someone yet as an eternal companion because, well its not time again yet. i have no problem hanging out with guys and going on an occasional date here and there but i am a simple girl who likes simple things. i want to have someone who is not into complicating things or messing with my head. too much to ask? i dont think so. i need someone who is like me. yes iknow people sometimes say that opposites attract. well sorry but not for me they dont. i used to be LOUD and crazy and out going and social and all of those things. not anymore. i am more laid back and content with me. i need someone who does not have to be the center of attention, someone who doesnt have to be loud and crazy all the time, someone who most surly shows compassion on others and takes into consideration all those around him. dotn get me wrong, i do not want a WALL FLOWER with the personality of a ROCK. i just know what i want. i do have a list and i check things off each time i meet someone. i add different attributes to the list everyso often , like once in a great great great while, but not all the time. i just need to find someone with 99.9% of the things on the list. somethings i am willing to overlook becasue sometimes life happens but i do know there are things i will not settle for or stoop down to comply with.

2008-08-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

Where i wish i was, at this very moment =]

Shoot....

2008-08-12T21:57:00.001-07:00

Me now. please.

im just a tad bit frustrated with everything that is happening to me.

While on spring break vacation [work for me, break for the kids i nannied for] we went to this hotel [ Great Wolf Lodge] and in side there was a water park. in this water park was a BUCKET at the very center of the building on the tip top of the tree house that the kids could play in side with all kinds of amazing water guns and little buckets you oculd fill and dump on people... anyways, this HUGE bucket would fill up [took about 5- 7 mins] and then dump on everyone who was in a certain area. it was expected and kind of sad to watch becasue the bucket would just get so full and then start to tip and WHOOSH everything that was in it came crashing down.

point of that whole story? its like my life. everything in my bucket seems fine and going well, then after a certain amount of time, its like clockwork almost with me, my whole bucket just gets so full and everything in side comes crashing down and i have to start all over again. its really a pain in the patootie...

moments....

2008-08-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

i dont know how i feel.
im kinda numb.
is that bad?

complicated....

2008-08-07T22:14:00.001-07:00

why does something that seemed so simple and easy to take care of, suddenly end up complicated. peoples feelings come into play, green eyed monsters come out and everything suddenly seems turned upside down. there is no going back. its a dog eat dog world and it seems to me that it is overlyexcessive cut throat when it comes to feelings about friends... it is so hard to conceal my feelings for people or throw people on the wrong trail by talking about other things or interests that im actually not interested in. deceptive? maybe, but when you get tired of people in your business or "match-making" you come up with ways to get people out of your comings and goings. i cant believe how things get out of hand so quickly. i thought moving back would be easy. boy i think i was kind of wrong. people tried to warn me but did i listen? no. no i thought i could come home and everything would be the same as it was before i moved away. so much can change and has changed in the past 10 months. moving away made me grow up, and i thought i was slightly ahead of the games and people combat that used to go on between girls and boys, i think i was wrong... entirly wrong and now i am paying the price because i have kept things from some friends and it seems like everyone has their own opinion of me and most of them are wrong. i am told thati am an open book... sometimes with audio that cant be turned off or down. i do not hesitate to tell people alot about me but there is always more that needs to be dug out. i do not display ALL of me. i only display what ithink that people need to know on that basis. people think that they know the real me and yet they find that they dont. and then they wonder why they realize that they dont know me at all... its like a huge shock and an awakening to them that they dont know what they think they know. truth is i dont know everything about people because of this thing called a front and everyone has one. i dont believe anyone who says that they put everything out for everyone to know about them. its hard to be here right now. im not sure how to feel. i always end up hurting someone. its either someone i care about or someone i care about. basically its a no win situation. but its my burden to bear and i bear it gladly, for i would rather be alone than hurt anyone. i just feel bad because i know that most of this is caused by my thinking to much about one thing. its called over thought and i do way to much of it. i hurt people that way. im tired of hurting people and i feel like i shouldnt do it anymore. no matter how strongly i feel or dont feel about a suject, or person or matter. it all comes down to me not saying whats on my mind and i feel like i cant be trusted in my own head. i need to stop. its hard.

love to be found??

2008-08-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

this is my favorite Sonnet from William Shakespeare. this is what i am hoping to find in someone. If you understand what this means, then this is what i am in search of.

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

Hero

2008-08-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished Season 2 of Heroes, and come to a conclusion.

I do not ever want to have super powers. They are too complicated.

I am happy to just be me and super power free.

and the only hero i want to be is best described in a song. this is the only kind of hero i ever want to be....

Artist : Jamie O'Neal
Song : Somebody's Hero

Lyrics :

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

concrete angel

2008-07-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

......"Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel"

who wants to be fake, raise your hands....

2008-07-15T22:19:00.001-07:00

i have always lived by the rule that even if you dont like someone you still should respect them.should we be that way with FAKE people as well? why is it so hard to respect people even when it seems people are intent on going through my personal life and tearing it to shreds and feeding it to the dogs? maybe im just paranoid but it seems like someone is always trying to "ONE UP ME"... i used to let it roll off my back and not think to much about it but now as time goes on it sems like nothing has changed in all these years. how long do you have to go about being nice to someone you know is a total fake? fake with friendships and relationships and just has a fake personality? do we in turn become as fake as they are? what do you do when you try to avoid someone and they just dont get it. or are we not honest enough?

people, compared to a tree....

2008-07-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

please go watch this, its is Tyler Perry`s madea character. i keep this information with me when i get low or dont realize when i am being used. its great to reflect upon!

=]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oqDU6CPwy6Q

cant we be just friends?

2008-07-13T16:16:00.000-07:00

why dont people get it?

do i need to wear a sign that says "i am not interested in you in that way, nor will i ever be"...?

i am trying hard to like someone just as a friend but even that is hard becasue they just dont get it... or it seems like they dont to me...

CRAP!

humpty dumpty...

2008-07-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

He sat on the wall, then he fell off the wall... then all the kings horses and all the kings men..couldnt put him back together again... although i am sure with enough super glue and ducttape they could have mended him up quite nicely...

my question....

WhY tHe Eff WaS hE SiTTiNg ThE WaLL In tHe FiRsT PLaCE??

why do any of us do anything anymore?

i think about that often. why do we do certain things? things that have ba outcomes? or hard to deal with outcomes? ones that hurt us physically, or emotionally, or even spiritually? some would argue that we do it for experience. Screw that, i know that every time i have been caught in a situation that i could have avoided [like sitting on the wall] i didnt sit there before hand and say, i think ill do this for the experience of it all.

life is full of times where we sit on the wall. sometimes we are silly enough to rock and roll a little bit in the fun times, but then we dont realize that our balance is not to good and there we go toppling to the ground to be smashed in a thousand pieces waiting for the right people to come by who know where the super glue and tape is so that we can be put back together again...

are you thinking in your head... "where are those good people?"

Take a look around. they are your parents,siblings, and friends... yes even the ones you dont think are really good friends and are more a social hello than a friend. true some of our parents really did an awful job and they ended up royally sucking as parents. yes some of our siblings have gone off the deep end. even yes some of our friends have turned and looked us in the eye and smiled while stabbing us in the back [not litterally, if they really have done that then i dont know who you are hanging out with] But the fact of the matter is we all have at least 1... AT LEAST, ONE, person who is close to us that can help put our little egg shells back together.

but we need to let them....

pushed over the edge...

2008-07-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Ever wish someone would fall off the earth never to return???

yeah me too....

I had the most wonderful day... relaxing and fun.
my mom had a friend of hers come into town before he leaves to go to Europe. He is a wonderful and fun and comfortable man. If it wasnt for the fact that my mom has a 25 year friendship with him and is only wanting someone who is of the LDS religion [kinda like sticking with whats familiar] i would totally say that she should go ou twith him. he made an amazing first impression and i think i want him to stick around more, it was fun...
THEN....

as it always happens when youre having the best day EVER!!, something always ALWAYS always goes wrong...
well the something that went wrong today was my sperm donor [aka, jose, my father] called and said he cant take care of my dog and my sisters cat anymore and would my mom please take them. i called him back and he said that he would rather not talk to me and if i would refrain from talking to him. so i handed the phone to my mother who later told me he said he didnt wish to speak with anyone who doesnt exsist to him anymore...
NEWSFLASH, if you do drugs on and off again, drink alcohol like there is no tomorrow, lie and use people [including your own daughter] then i am not going to want to exsist to you... dumbace... This is a man who told me he would love me no matter what. then turned around and said when i get married he would come visit me after becasue he would not be present at my wedding[not that he would ever be considered to be worthy to go to the temple for that anyway] or at my reception becasue there would be Hart`s present. [my moms maiden name is hart and he is tlaking about her side of the family... they are divorced and i understand not wanting to see her but your oldest daughter getting married is a BIG deal... especially since i am pretty sure that when i get married it will be the FIRST wedding for our "family"]
He is so unpredictable and so good at ruining everything... are children supposed to feel this way towards their parents? BOTH of mine died to me... my birth mother when i was about 4, and my Father just died to me about a month ago, along with my sister and my brother... the only one i have left is my "mom" and i really am going to have her adopt me because as much as i like her just being here with me, i would rather have it all be legal and have her as my legal and all rights and privilages included "MOTHER" then there would be no comfusion about anything.
so now i have a dog again [my chihuahua named Tuki] and a cat[named TONTO.... dont ask me why... it just popped in my head] and a mom and i am pleased to keep it that way................ for now.

once upon a dream...

2008-07-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have always been a fan of Disney princess characters and the wonderful fairy tale life that they lead. Every time a new princess movie comes out, i think in my head... Crap, now that cant happen to me becasue it has fictionally happened to that actress... Sometimes i wonder about what my princess movie would be like. Would i live in a tower locked away by some witch? would i live in a single parent home and aquire an evil step mother? Would some handsome stranger appear in my town and i would fall in love with him? there are so many other refferences to princess movies in my life that i think about...

It seems to me as i reflect on my past almost 21 years of life, that i have had all these experiences...

In a sense i was locked in a tower by a witch... My father never let me do anything. i was the precious baby girl who was not allowed to have friends unless they were approved by my father. i was not allowed to date certain boys becasue my father didnt think they were worthy of dating me. how many secret relationships i had that were ended becasue they had to be kept a secret. how many friends did i have to tell "im sorry we cant be friends anymore". I eventually did my rebel stage. i ran away once [for about 3 or 4 hours, i dont remember exactly], i started drinking.. [didnt last becasue since my father is and was an alcoholic, i didnt want to end up like him]... i hung out with the wrong people and didnt pay as much attention as i should have in church.

I did live in a single parent home. although there is a twist in that part of the story. My parents were never married and had 3 children. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic. My father married a woman named Tanya. I remember visiting with them occasionally becasue he had visitation rights i think then. My birthmother would say awful things about this woman, and told us that no matter what happened we were to hate her. My birthmother was awful to us children and finally my father and Tanya achieved full custody of all three children becasue my birth mother was crazy. My brother took what my birthmother had said about hating this Tanya, but i htought she was nice. After maybe 2 visitation day with us [which were controlled visitations] my birthmother up and left. I have not seen her since. that was 16 years ago. In the begining we called Tanya "stepmom, or step mother" and soon she asked us to call her mom. It took a while to get used to that. Fast forward 15 years... My father is a drunk who cant hardly keep work as a general contractor and has had a few affairs on my mom and my mom [tanya] is at her breaking point. My brother has moved out at 17 and came back to finish out his 5th year of high school at 18, then moved out again. after my dad hit me again one day, i had enough. He slammed me up against the wall but my bed and mirror are there also, so i was wedged in between the two. i had bruses on my back from the sharp corners on my bed and the frame of the mirror. I had it. No more.. so i reached behind me in the window seal and grabbed the box cutter i had placed there earlier while i was cleaning something off the window. I told him if he ever hit me again i would cut his throat while he slept. he would never wake up. of course that didnt make him to happy and he tryed as hard as he could to get it out of my hand. my brother was standing there telling me to put it down and then tryed to help get it out of my hand. i gripped it as hard as i could and i felt like a pit bull who has locked something and has tasted blood. there was no releasing that from my hand. then i heard my mom in the back ground telling my father to get off, and let me go. she was telling me to let go too. after that my dad never hit me again. This woman that he married put up with a lot of crap from him and decided that it was time to go. she held on as long as she could becasue we were her daughters and she didnt want to leave us there. She moved out and i thought my life would never be the same. once again i was with out a mother. or so i thought.

Enter the handsome one who i fell in love with. oh i shouldnt have fallen in love with that boy. he dazzled me becasue he was untouchable. you are not supposed to fall for missionaries. isnt that what they tell you? but to me it didnt apply. i behaved and never said anything. until the day came for him to transfer to another area with about 3 months left on his mission. i gave him my address and knew that he would write. it started out harmless until it got to hte very end of his mission. i had moved across the United states to Maryland/Dc and he was going home to Utah. i thought that nothing would happen. we were to far away from each other, but we talked all the time. i found out things about him that i didnt want to hear. I still felt liek i was in love with him and after much prayer i felt like he was the one. but how to clear the gap between us? i could quit my job and move to utah to find work... or i could move back home to california and get another job and we wouldnt be as far away. well none of that worked out and when i came home from christmas, i decided to go to utah but becasue of a snow storm , my parents decided for me that i wasnt going. they didnt want to geta phone call saying that their daughter hadgotten killed on her way to SLC. I knew this wasnt going to be good. andi was right. he found another girl the night i was supposed to go up there and soon they were engaged and my heart was broken. i tried the whole friends thing but that didnt work. My mother was behind me 100% in what ever choice i made about him. she was ok with me going to see him but when that storm hit she thought twice about it. when i told her he brokemy heart she sided with me and told me it would be ok. fast forward 6months.... i left my job in maryland becasue one of the kids hit me. it was a hard job, and with all that i did i wasnt payed enough, or appreciated enough. i came home and a few weeks after i was here i got a txt telling me that the one i had loved, called off his wedding... shock went through me. i had to ask why. he said it didnt feel right... DUH i could have told yo uthat 6 months ago.... but i was nice. things happen for a reason.

I no longer talk to my father becasue he does drugs and still is a heavy drinker. I do not tlak to my younger sister who is 17 becasue she thinks she knows it all and sided with my dad. I do not talk to my 23 year old brother becasue he chose to side with my dad. he knows i am right but still sided against me. i have more to offer my siblings than my father does. I can offer them a pure love. my father offers drugs and alcohol. I can offer them a chance to know their future family and be a part of a happy life with me and the gospel that i love and appreciate. My father offers the idea that in a matter of 2 years he will go back to mexico and leave them here to fend for themselves.

who offers more?

I love with my mother who i have found that i connect with mor ethan i ever have in my entire life. i appreciate all she does for me and im glad she isnt the evil step mother who doesnt care. she took upon her self the care for 3 small children and a husband while she was sick in bed. she has Cronic Fatique Syndrom amongst other things that ail her. she has fought hard and deserves the best. all i can say is that i a gratful to her for all she has done.

I know there will be more storys that will capture my interest but who really wants to lead a fairytale life?